Something like a phenomenon...

The title really has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that it was the very song that popped into my head as soon as I clicked the text box where I type the titles. GOOD TIMES. That song is so awesome. I'm totally going to listen to that shit when I get home. Big ups to LL Cool J for keepin it real.

ANYWAYS... I just ate lunch. I thought it was going to be delish, but I was sadly mistaken. For some reason I had myself convinced that gnocchi and pesto would be pretty okay, but I think I was wrong. So very, very wrong. It tasted sour-like and was not an overall enjoyable eating experience. I also discovered that I have apparently been cooking it the wrong way this whole time. Who knew? I know better now, so next time I'm sure it will be top notch.

This morning I had some fun times with imagination. I was trying to think up scenarios which would make it so that I would have to fly to work on a helicopter. So far, I got nothin. But the day is young, my friends. I have also been plotting the demise of modern society, but I've got to keep that under wraps for now.

In other news, I just discovered that Hulk Hogan has a reality tv show! And his entire family has yellow-blonde hair! And they are all just as tanned as he is! Trust me, it's entertaining. He appears to have ripped off the Rock and has taken to referring to boys who wish to date his daughter as "jabronies". He is also not fond of nipple rings, so keep that shit under your shirt when the Hulkster is around.

Oh, the PRESSURE!

This morning the Mink instructed me to write about something that would compel him to comment, because he really likes to comment.

It really threw me off. What the hell am I supposed to write about now? I don't know what will prompt discussion! I usually just write about the stupid crap that happens to me on a daily basis. But now I'm supposed to prompt conversation and discussion? I don't know if I can handle it. But as you know, my momma didn't raise no quitter. So I'll give it the old college try:

So... yeah... human cloning... is that shit crazy or WHAT?

PS: I hate hot sauce.

The drunk person motto.

You know it. It is the sure sign that you are two sips away from certain doom. You speak four little words and suddenly it becomes glaringly obvious to everyone around you that you, my dear are tanked. But those four little words are also quite lovely to hear, even from a drunk:

"I love you, man."

I'm not drunk, but I really mean it. I do love you, man.

I also love voicemail.

Today I got a voicemail from Jess. She called to tell me that she had heard Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now" on the radio and wanted to make sure that I heard it too. It was awesome! (BTW, I did hear it... and I loved every goddamn minute of it.) I also got a mystery voicemail from an internet cartoon. It read me a text message that it was pretending to send me so that we didn't have to talk anymore. It was amazing! (Thanks, Dave! Keep up the good work.)

And now I'm tired. Goodnight, snookums.

So like, false creek isn't a real creek, you know...

Someone actually said that to me once. And I was all, "Uh, YEAH." I don't remember who it was, but I still think it's pretty funny. Despite being based on a web of lies, it is a very nice place. If you have some time, I highly suggest walking along the path by the water on the Granville Island side. It's terribly romantic. So you can see why I like it so much... because I go there... alone... *sigh*














See? That shit was made for romantic walks... with your pretend husband. DO NOT JUDGE ME RIGHT NOW.

Remember when you used to get to sleep until 10am? All the time? Remember that? I do too. I miss it dearly.

This morning when I woke up I was wayyyyyy tired. It is totally my fault though. I did not get home from the super awesomest girls night EVER until about midnight. To clarify, midnight is kind of a foreign concept to me... because I never see it. 11:00 is totally pushing it for this girl. But it was way fun, so I didn't mind.

I watched the fireworks from Vanier and it was pretty cool. They played Queen and Dean Martin, which excited me greatly. There was one moment in particular that caused me to utter what is perhaps the funniest thing ever. (Note: The following conversation was entirely about fireworks, and nothing else.)

Amanda: "Whoa, those things are huge!"
Me: "I know. It looks like they are coming right at your face!"
Amanda: "That's crazy."
Me: "Totally. You know what it reminds me of? You know that movie at Disneyland with Michael Jackson? The 3D one?"
Amanda: "Dude! Captain EO?"
Me: "Yeah! Captain EO! That movie is insane! It's like the fireworks because you are sitting there watching it and it looks like Michael Jackson is coming right at your face."
*pause*
Me: "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!! I SAID MICHAEL JACKSON WAS COMING RIGHT AT YOUR FACE!!! HOLY CRAP!!!"
Amanda: "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
Me: "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! That was awesome."
*continuous laughter*

I love it when I say inappropriate things.

Money talks... but it don't sing and dance and it don't walk...

I don't know about you, but I would much rather be forever in blue jeans. But I can't. Because there is a dress code. (A lax one at that, but still no BLUE JEANS!) That is why I love casual Fridays. I might even write a song about it.

ANYWAYS...

Today is unofficially Neil Diamond appreciation day. It looks like Platypus and I are the only ones celebrating, but that's okay! While we were listening to Love on the Rocks this morning I was thinking about how many times people have been brutally dumped and ended up stinking drunk with a glass in their hands listening to this song. They raise their glasses to the speaker, nod in agreement and shout out things like, "Yeah Neil! You and I both fucking know what it's like! WE KNOW!" By the middle of the song, I imagine they are crying a little bit. But then something happens. They snap out of it. And then they sing. They go for the big finish... and then they pass out. I bet this exact scenario has happened a million times over. And I love it.

Hmmm... I think I just made me some plans for Saturday night! (I know. The only thing more pathetic than getting dumped and drowning your sorrows in booze and Neil Diamond is pretending to get dumped and drowning your sorrows with booze and Neil Diamond.) Shut up. I know I don't have a boyfriend. HAHAHAHA!















Hey look! They are in love... and they are on the rocks... get it? GET IT???

So... Lance Bass is gay, huh? I, for one, did not see this coming. I mean... who could have possibly imagined? Even after that whole outer space thing...

At least there were no broken hearts as a result of this announcement. (OH COME ON! YOU KNOW HE WAS NOT THE CUTE ONE!) The craziest part about this story is not that he is gay... but how he managed to land such a hot boyfriend.

Also, I bought blueberries. They are not that good. Whatevs.

***EDIT***@ 3:20pm

Holy shit! I got so caught up in the whole "Lance Bass is gay" shocker that I completely missed the REAL story here:

Bass and Fatone, 29, are developing a sitcom pilot inspired by the screwball comedy The Odd Couple, in which his character will be gay.

WTF??? That's awesome! It's going to be the worst show EVER! Now THAT is a good story.

Love on the rocks... ain't no big surprise.

Every once in awhile you experience a moment that makes you say "Awwwww yeeeahhhh." I had one of those today.

I was working away, listening to the radio... and then what song do I hear? This one:

YEAH!!!

It made me so happy. Because damnit, I LOVE ME SOME NEIL DIAMOND! He is truly one of America's greatest treasures. Everyone thinks so. Even the Gap thinks so. See?

I love it. So hard. I have so many memories that are all tied up in Neil Diamond songs.

Like how every time I have ever driven across the border since I was about 13 I break out into a spirited version of "America". I'm talking LOUD SINGING here, kids. As soon as I can see the border crossing... "ON THE BOATS AND IN THE PLANES... THEY'RE COMING TO AMERICA!" And of course, I ad-lib. "IN THE GIANT MINI-VAN... WE'RE GOING TO AMERICA!" It totally annoys my mother. And I totally love it.

But I have a more meaningful connection to the music of Neil Diamond. I used to work at a casino. I hated my job more than I hate the smell of boiled hot dogs. And I really fucking HATE the smell of boiled hot dogs. It makes me want to vomit. ANYWAYS, the point is that my job sucked ass and every time I went there (which was EVERY GODDAMN DAY) I felt like a complete failure as a human being. But on occasion a certain musical act would play in the lounge. That act was Nearly Neal and the Solitary Band. Every night that they played it made me happy to be there. I would get so excited and for a few hours I would stop feeling like I was rotting away in a prison and instead would think that my job was pretty okay.

So thank you, Neil Diamond. Thank you for being so seriously fucking awesome.

Willy Wonka - Menace to society.

Is it possible to fall into a chocolate-induced coma? I'm starting to worry. Since the birthday, I have consumed insane amounts of the stuff. Including today. And now I feel like I'm going to fall over and sleep for 10 years, not even noticing when the janitor kicks me out of the way so he can get to the stupid garbage can.

But I still do like chocolate. Mmmmm. Smarties.

They are sitting on my desk right now. Within arms reach. And they are driving me mad.

Let's face it. I will likely eat the entire box before bedtime. Shame on me.

Hey! I have a story to share with you!

My phone rang. I answered it. Here is the short conversation:

ME: "Yo."
THEM: "Are you listening to the radio today?"
ME: "Nope. Why?"
THEM: "Turn it on."
ME: "Why?"
THEM: "There's no time to waste! You are missing Peter Cetera!"
ME: "WHAT??? Thanks for the tip! I'm on it!"

THE RADIO: "After all that we've been throooooogh... I will make it up to youuuuuuuu..."

ME: "Awwwwww yeeeeeahhhh."

Monday, woot!

So yeah. Monday. Started out not awesomely. I woke up a million times this morning because it was so goddamn HOT in my room. So gross. I hate it.

THEN... I left the house this morning to have the goddamn gate slam shut after me (due to the clever new device the landlord installed to keep the gate closed so the dogs can't escape. Clever idea. Bad in practice.) I am so damn polite that I stuck my hand out to minimize the slamming noise, resulting in a sliver in the palm of my hand. They might be small, but those bitches HURT. Luckily, my work moms are a whiz at things like this, and they got it out for me. I think it is safe to say that tomorrow, that bitch can SLAM shut when I leave. I don't care about sleeping babies and neighbors anymore.

But who cares about Monday, anyways. Friday is totally where it's at! Thanks to all my homies who helped ensure that I got a little bit drunk, but not SO drunk that I acted inappropriately. Well, no more than usual. HA! Also, there was a slight bit of controversy... which always makes things interesting. I kind of love controversy. Is that wrong? WHATEVS. You love it too. You know it.

One more thing... the aquabus mini-cruise comes highly recommended. It is super fantastic! Damnit, I love the aquabus! So hard. It could be either terribly romantic or 100% comedy, depending on how you want to make it. Personally, I like a mix of the two. My favourite part was when I decided to create a little mood music, courtesy of the Wang Chung birthday card. Turns out, if I carry it on my shoulder like a boombox, I look super-rad. Ask anybody. It's true.

I'm going to eat my lunch now. It is a very important meal. Yum!

A Gentleman and a Scholar...

Amanda and I have decided that this is a catch phrase that needs to come back. The problem is that we decided this at work yesterday, and no one around here is a gentleman nor a scholar. So I have yet to break it in. I mean, who am I going to say that to, Platypus? Actually, maybe I will. After all, I am irony's #1 superfan.

ANYWAYS, I had a pretty sweet birthday yesterday. It was good times. I hung out with my mom and sister, went out for dinner and made fun of other family members in their absense. You know, the usual stuff that goes on when I hang out with ma family! I got some sweet presents and was particularly excited by one item. This is the funny part, kids. Allow me to share it with you.

So, I'm opening my presents and I open up the card from my mom and dad. The envelope felt kinda heavy, so I was immediately curious. I open up the card, and a song starts playing. Which song, you ask?

EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT!!!!!

That's right. I got a friggin WANG CHUNG BIRTHDAY CARD!!!! You don't even know how excited I was. You don't even know. I brought it to work today with intentions of annoying the hell out of everyone with it. I intend to leave some Wang Chung voicemail before I peace out of here today. I love it. So hard.

Speaking of Wang Chung-ing, everybody is totally gonna be doing some of that tonight, fo sheez. The ladies and I are taking a watertaxi tour, and I am terribly excited about it! It is going to be GOOD TIMES. Woot! I can't wait to Wang Chung!

Yes. There will definitely be some wang-ing of the chung going on. (Ha! I love how that sounds kind of pervy and weird.) I'm totally going to start telling people to Wang Chung. That's awesome. It's perfect for Friday afternoon conversations. Allow me to demonstrate:

ME: "Yo! MTV Raps! Got any plans for this weekend?"
THEM: "Yeah, I'm totally gonna get crunk tonight. Want to come?"
ME: "Yeah dude, we are totally gonna Wang Chung tonight!"
THEM: "To the extreme for reals! Hey, do you like Mister Mister?"
ME: "Ugh. Gag me with a spoon!"

See how well that works? I also suggest that you yell out "EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT!" whenever you enter a party or your local tavern. People will think you are super cool and offer to give you money... just for being you.

So... in conclusion, I propose that you all wang your chungs this evening. (I'm telling you, I will probably never, ever get tired of saying that. It's just so amusing.)

PS: If you know what's good for you, you will click on the first link I provided for your viewing pleasure. When you do so, a real gem of a song awaits you. It is not "Everybody Have Fun Tonight". I promise you, it's worth it!

Happy Birthday, Carlos Santana!!!! (and me too.)

So I've gone ahead and done it. I have turned 25. I whined about it for A VERY LONG TIME, but you know what? So far, it's not that bad. I now am the proud owner of some lovely blue drinking glasses from Pottery Barn, and I'm pretty happy about that. (Big ups to Grandma and Roy for that one. Word up!)

The bus was hilarious this morning. I got on the Cambie bus and the back doors wouldn't close. They kept opening and closing like they were possessed or something. The driver was funny about it, cause he just stood there and watched them for awhile... then he looked up and asked out loud "Maybe something is stuck? Do you think so?" Then he watched a bit more. Then he shrugged his shoulders and said "You are all very lucky. You've got dancing doors! They don't do this for just anybody. It's nice, huh?" Then he kicked us all off the bus. But another one came right after, and that bitch was practically empty, so I got a seat. You're goddamn right it's my birthday!

I also just discovered that USA Today has a list of celebrity birthdays every day. I happen to share a birthday with the hot guy from Lost, and the effing bassist from the Moody Blues. That second one is total bullshit. I hate the Moody Blues, like way totally hard. Ugh. ANYWAYS, there is work to be done so I must peace out for now. See you bitches later!

PS: ALSO... happy birthday to my Aunt Frankie who has the same birthday as me because we are the coolest and we rule life. *awesome*

Oh, internet! You are just too much!

Funny story about surfing the net at work. Everyone says you shouldn't do it, but I mean come on. You simply cannot stick a girl in front of a computer for 8 hours a day and expect it not to happen. ANYWAYS... this is my funny story.

I've been trying to prove to myself all day that I am still young, because I officially turn 25 tommorrow, and I'm pretty sure I will immediately turn all wrinkly and mean. Well, I'm not terribly concerned about the mean stuff cause I've had that going on since about age 3, but the wrinkles, yes.

So I decided to prove my youth by taking a series of hearing tests on the internet. One of them was located at liquidgeneration.com. I knew it was some kind of joke test of some sort and I wanted to check it out to see if it was worth tricking anyone else with. So I'm taking the hearing test, and I get to the part when you can't hear anything, because they are obviously trying to trick you. So I'm waiting for the joke to come into play... and at this point have forgotten about the volume on my computer speakers. Turns out the joke part is one of those scary monster faces that suddenly comes out of nowhere and has REALLY LOUD SCREAMING NOISES to accompany it. Heh.

So I turn it off, and my boss goes "What the hell was that? It sounded awful!" I say nothing. "Did someone send out one of those nasty emails?" I say yes. "I hate those things." I agree. Then I laugh to myself. It's a good thing people in this office are fond of surfing the 'net for celeb gossip, or else I'd be in trouble.

THE END.

Soooo... looks like the moral of the story is when you are messing about on the computer at work, turn down the goddamn volume! But you probably already knew that.

THIS JUST IN: Brazil nuts are delicious. Eat some. They are probably pretty okay for you. Yummmmm.

Good food, crazy times.

If you ever feel like you are in the mood for a Montreal Smoked Meat samich, you could go to Zako's Deli on Broadway.

If you ever feel like you want to have insane people make you a samich, you could also go to Zako's Deli on Broadway.

It was the most hilarious food ordering experience I have ever had in my life. The entire time, the dude was saying strange things to us... I don't even remember what the hell he was saying, but it took everything I had not to laugh out loud. I couldn't look at Craig because he was laughing too, and that would have made me laugh REALLY HARD and then the samich guy may have tried to kill me. You just never know with people these days.

There was also an issue with the girl that was helping. A customer noticed that they had left the phone out, so he went to hand them the phone back. Boy was THAT a mistake. He accidentally dropped it, and when he did that chick was pissed off. She gave him the most evil, hateful look I have ever seen. Which made me nervous and caused me to start laughing again. I was terrified that she was going to use her evil powers to break my femur, rupture my spleen and steal my soul. But I managed to keep it all in check. I am happy to report that we both made it out of there, injury free.

I was not aware of the fact that there was so much meat in a samich like that. But it's cool, cause now I probably have eaten my protein quota for the entire year. So I've got that going for me, which is nice. Despite the craziness of the restaurant, the samich was actually pretty good. So it wasn't all for nothing.

I just got made fun of because they don't think I do any work around here. BUT I DO. I do lots of it. I'm just so goddamn efficient that I often have pockets of spare time in which I use to blog. IS THAT SO WRONG? I think not. Especially since I'm pretty sure that there are peeps out there who sleep under their desks. It's not just George Costanza, kids. I'm talking about real actual people.

So, in conclusion, I would like to say the following: turns out I like smoked meat sandwiches, I wish I had a coffee right now, I like to eat lunch, I hear that people think the stuff I write is actually funny (which is exciting) and STOP MAKING FUN OF ME, BERNIE!

PS: We had a hilarious conversation at lunch about Platypus riding an electric bike. This is something I fear I will never live to see. Though I wish I would, because I think it would be truly amusing. So get on it, Platypus. Get thee to an electric bicycle shop!

















You could be best friends with this guy. You could wear a green jacket. I think his name is Jurgen. Think about it.

TLC and A&E - television for the soul.

Hey, you know what's weird? How I apparently fall in love with everyone who ever had a reality show on A&E. HAHAHA! Well, not everyone... but mostly all of the dudes on Inked and (for some strange reason which I still don't totally understand) Criss Angel.

Yes. That is right. It was decided last night whilst watching Mindfreak that I find Criss Angel kind of attractive.





















He's kind of goth, which is why it's so weird. But when you see that boy without eye makeup... YOW.

AND THEN... I sort of became addicted to watching Miami Ink. And I also think that half the dudes on that show are super hot. I think it's mostly the tattoos. Since when do I think tattoos are sooooooo hot? Since now, apparently. I'm totally on board with tattooed dudes.





















This is Ami. He has tattoos. That is hot. So does Yoji. Again, super hot. Basically, if a boy wears this exact outfit I will marry him. Damn.


Delightful. Just delightful. I love television. It helps me learn so much about myself.

I really AM a faux asthmatic!!!

Good news, kids. I finally went to a proper doctor and the news is pretty okay. I am now taking antibiotics and 100% nerd certified nasal steroids. The antibiotics are in pill form and they are rediculously HUGE. Seriously. Every time I take them, I get nervous because I think that this will be the time that I will begin to choke on my medicine. I have to mentally prepare for it. It is quite intense.

The REALLY good news is that he doesn't think I have asthma! So I'm hoping that this will mean that as soon as I finally get better, there will be no more wheezing! HOORAY!!!!!! You have no idea how awesome this is. As a kid who was always healthy and took immense pride in having super sweet levels of lung capacity (what can I say, I was a horn player. We are proud of being able to breathe well.) it was quite devastating to learn that I might have suddenly developed asthma. So here's hoping that this doctor fellow is right. Screw you, asthma! We don't want you around there parts, so you'd best be moving along.

















Go go gadget trombone lungs! (I don't know what that means either.)

On a side note, I just made a fantastic discovery... totally by accident! I was terrifically excited to learn that on George Michael's website, you can listen to EVERY SONG HE EVER MADE. I think that after today, a few of these bad boys are quite likely to make an appearance on my ultimate kareoke list.

Recipe for an awesome Friday:

Free pizza + George Michael + beer after work + BINGO = muthafuckin' GOOD TIMES.

See you later, puppets. I've got some singing - errr... make that working - to do.

A surefire way to make new friends.

If you are in the market for some new friends because the old ones just are calling anymore, don't worry. I have the solution! Why not try Buddy Bands?

Sure, you laugh now... but if you actually had a couple of Buddy Bands right now, you'd be dancing with some hotties instead of sitting in front of your computer in your underoos.

So basically what I am trying to say with this post is that I am far too tired and ill-feeling to come up with something witty and original. But I think AC Slater doing pirouettes with Kelly and Jessie in sparkly halter tops is a pretty okay deal. There is a little something for everyone.

What can I say, I aim to please.

***EDIT*** (@ 3:50pm)

PS: Big ups to whomever decided to have a freakin' fire drill this afternoon. Really appreciated that one. Did we not notice the act that IT IS RAINING OUT TODAY??? AND I AM SICK??? SO MAYBE STANDING IN THE RAIN IS NOT AN AWESOME IDEA??? It's okay. You probably didn't know. But seriously... this could not have been done on a hot sunny afternoon? Think about that for next time, bud.

Dun dun dunnnnnnnn!

Tomorrow I have to go see a new doctor. I hate going to the doctor. Cause I go there and I'm all, "Yo, what's the dilly? Why am I so ill?" and they're all, "I dunno. Drink some water and sleep." Always just seemed like a waste of time for me. Meh. BUT... I am going anyways so people will get off my case about this doctor business already.

Do you know how tricky it is to find a doctor these days? Nobody takes new patients anymore. I called my grandma's doctor to make an appointment and the lady is all "Sorry, but we're not taking new patients." SO... in an effort to use my clout I told her that my grandma told me they were taking new patients... and after dropping grandma's name, she said it was okay. So really, it's all about who ya know. Even for stupid crap like getting a doctor.

This, I know for sure.

This is what a toilet seat cover dispenser looks like. Can you see the tiny writing at the top? Sometimes, it says "Provided by the management - for your protection."

This is the thing that I know is true. No matter where you go in life, ass germs will always be a concern for the management.

I find it oddly comforting.

Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here????

In the words of everyone's favourite principal, Mr. Belding, I ask that question. Two things have happened that have upset me enough to demand answers.

Item number 1: Why in the goddamn hell am I sick again?

• Am I being punished for something?
• Is this because I said a swear at my mom that one time?
• This is completely not fair.
• This is a load of horse crap.

Item number 2: Selling out is apparently more common than I thought.

Looks like your punk rock boyfriend, George Stroumbolopoulos (I can never spell that correctly) is going to be hosting an American show (which will be shown on the ceeb here in Canada as well) called "The One". It's a singing competition. Which is awesome. Because we totally don't even have enough of those yet. (I AM LYING. IT IS NOT AWESOME AT ALL.) I don't even want to think about how this is going to turn out. I will probably check it out anyways, just to see if he manages to keep his street cred intact. Because if he goes all Seacrest on me, I just don't think I can take it. *tear*

I feel like crud. My head kind of feels as though while I was sleeping a small group of well organized workers (each about 3mm tall) worked through the night to compeletely fill my head with thousands of cotton balls. That was actually a really good description of it. It totally feels like that. Good job with the forming of sentences, kid. Good show.

Ugh.

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Waaaaayyyy tooooooooo earlyyyyyyyy.

That's what time I had to get up at this morning. 5-fricken-45. AM. That is bullshit. But it's all for a good cause, I suppose. Had I come into work at my regular time, things would have been much more complicated. So I guess I'm okay with it.

I'm still tired. Even after drinking a big coffee. Wah. This is likely because I am sick. Being sick is lame. BUT... despite the tiredness and illness, I am still going to go drinking after work with ma homies. Because you simply can't mess with tradition.

I saw this story on the CBC website this morning. I am kind of excited about it, because I looooove Robert Downey Jr. He's so messed up. I do not think that it is possible for a book about his life to suck. It's bound to be literary gold. Okay, so maybe that's pushing it ever so slightly... but it will definitely be interesting. Plus, he's totally hot. I hope there will be a collection of photos in the middle of the book. They always have that shit in memoirs.





















In French he would be called "la renarde" and he would be hunted with only his cunning to protect him.

SCHA-WING!

Ummm... that's all I can think of at the moment. When can I go home? I'm ready to get outta here. I love weekends.

I love to write letters. A lot.

So I will write one right now.

*ahem*

Dear Aaron Neville,

I've had just about enough of you. You are always there. Anytime I walk into a business that is trying desperately hard not to offend anyone by way of music, you are there. When my mom is driving me somewhere in her minivan, you are there. When I am at work, you are there. It is much worse when you are at work because it is not so easy to escape you, as a vital part of my agreement with my employer is that I not run out of the building 7 times a day.

What is your problem? Do I come to your workplace and sing warbly soft lyrics into your ears? No. No I do not, Aaron Neville. So why do you do it to me? Your actions are without justification, and I will not stand for it any longer. What does that mean? I'll tell you what it means.

It is so on.

I don't know if they use the same lingo in the big easy, but basically that means that should we ever meet face to face, you are in a whole new WORLD of trouble.

So go on. Go plague somebody else. Linda Ronstadt just called. She totally misses you. But if you go visit, you better NOT record any new material. Not if you know what's good for you.

You know, I was trying to think of a way for us to work this out. And I thought of one. But since you cannot magically transform yourself into Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass and play "A Taste of Honey", I don't think it's gonna happen.

Enjoy your vacation.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: I don't terribly mind your brothers. They seem like okay people. Possibly because they play instruments and DO NOT SING IN A VOICE THAT SHOULD ONLY BE COMING OUT OF THE MOUTH OF A 5 YEAR OLD GIRL.

PPS: Despite what you may have heard, there is such a thing as too much vibrato. There really,
really is.

















Look at him. He even carries his mic to go mountain biking. What a douchebag.

Soy un perdidor...

I finally played bingo yesterday. It was terribly exciting. But I lost. That made me kind of sad. But I got over it.

Bingo is way trickier than I could have ever imagined. They call the numbers so fast... and then they keep changing the rules every time you play a new card... and then sometimes they call two numbers at the same time... and there is so much going on... and it's so confusing... and I think I was a little bit overstimulated. This is not difficult to achieve for me, as situations often become too much for me to handle... like when I am talking to someone and a bird flies by and then I spot something shiny.

But man alive. The most impressive thing about bingo is the old ladies. They are so good at it. I don't know how you get good at bingo, but they are. They can have 12 cards in front of them and never miss a number whilst smoking a cigarette and drinking a soda. Very impressive indeed.

On a different note, I think I am getting sick again. That sucks ass. Haven't I been sick enough this year??? I mean, COME ON!!! Can't a girl catch a break?? Apparently not. I think I need to stay at home every night this week and sleep away my impending illness. I probably won't miss any work though, because I never, ever call in sick. I don't know why. I feel guilty or something. I went to work through 4 rounds of bronchitis and a displaced rib.

I'm like motherfuckin' Superman or something. He would not stay home if he had a cold either.

Can't sleep, clown'll eat me.

Well, so that's not exactly the reason for my deprivation of the restful times this weekend, but I just really love that particular episode of the Simpsons. So funny.

ANYWAYS... it is nearly 11:30pm on Sunday night. I just got home. For most of you, this was a long weekend full of resting and relaxation. Not so for me. For the past 2 days I have put in 9 hour shifts at the jazz festival. And I don't even get paid for that shit. Needless to say, I am a little tired. Despite being tired, I decided that I had better get some use of the FREE CONCERTS that come along with my volunteer pass. So I was a brave little soldier and went to TWO shows all by myself. And it was awesome.

It's kind of weird to go alone, but it's cool because you don't have to pretend to give a crap about what the other person you are with is doing or saying. I have often found myself at shows when my friends are whining the whole time about something or other... and their bad mojo just ruins the whole experience. And let's face it. This is the jazz festival. Not everyone is as in love with music as I am... and there are often a million shows I want to see but can't find anyone to go with. But that is no longer a concern for me.

Last night I popped into the Commodore (after 9 hours suffocating from heat in a room with drunk musicians) to see Jamie Lidell. I enjoyed his music already, but after seeing him live I am in love. He's SO WEIRD. And I can't get enough of it. He sang soulful heartfelt lyrics to a puppet version of himself. He came out wearing a silk robe and the thickest glasses on earth. And he is incredibly sexy (in my eyes) for doing so. I could not avoid dancing. So sorry to anyone who was made uncomfortable by my booty shaking extravaganza.













Shiny gold robes never looked so good... I think I need to get me one of those.

Then tonight I walked over to the Centre to see the lovely Miss Neko Case. I was pretty lucky, cause I got there just in time to swipe one of the last volunteer tickets and sat down 30 seconds before she started. She's so good. So good. I love her voice. She makes me enjoy country music more than I want to.












Dear Neko Case,

I am jealous of your hair and your insane musical talent. But there must be something that I do better than you... I bet you don't have hyperextending elbows, do you? I do. There. Now I feel better about myself.

Sincerely,

Sarah

So that's why I'm so goddamn tired. I basically worked for 7 days straight... which is no good for anybody. That's because if I don't get some goddamn sleep, I'm going to start to get hella angry and I will likely begin to yell at people for no reason. Plus, this 4 day week at work is going to be INSANELY CRAZY BUSY so I gotta rest up. Cause I'm going to be doing the random yelling at people anyways. Shit. I am tired. I'm going to bed.

Goodnight, fools.