Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

NEIL Diamond, that is.

I heard lots of the ND at work today and it made me so very happy. Despite the fact that I have been retardedly (shut up, I can make up words if I want) busy all day and will be even busier tomorrow. AND I also lost 3 coin tosses in a row to Platypus, so that means I have to do some of his work. That is SUPER lame because I am way busier than he is already. (You know it's true, so don't even TRY to argue with me, fool!)

AND... he just called me a dumbass about 4 times in the past 10 mins. THAT IS THE LAST TIME I DO YOU A FAVOUR!!!!

Forgive me, friends, for I am a little wound up at the moment. Tomorrow will be party time for sure, as I intend to start the day with a fucking huge coffee and end it with a fucking huge beer. Because that is how we do it up around here. With hyperactive drunkeness.

It is almost time for me to go home. I think this is spectacular. And I think you are spectacular. (Unless you are Platypus, in which case you are most certainly NOT spectactular because you called me dumb.)

You are the weakest link, GOODBYE.

Hey, look at what I can do!

Apparently, I have the amazing ability to annoy the hell out of someone without even trying. I think this is a handy skill... prime example: I gave Platypus a present and then he swore at me.

Now THAT, friends, takes talent.

Jealous much? Thought so.

A.D.D. + work related reading materials = NO GOOD.

In preparation for a potential bout of unemployment in two months, I have decided to increase my value in the "marketable skills" department. So I am reading a book that (in theory) will help me do so. This wondrous work of non-fiction is supposed to teach me how to become an brilliant and effective writer.

Now if only I could get through a single chapter without being completely and utterly discombobulated. (That means confused. Did you know that? I bet you didn't. Now you do.)

I keep reading, hoping to pull some nuggets of wisdom and information that will allow me to sit down and create 30 seconds worth of magic... but it is not working.

In fact, I think it is a downright stupid book and I hate it. It is so annoying. I can barely stand it.

But for some reason, I keep reading it. And I think I know why.

Everyone in the office that sees me reading it is suddenly VERY impressed with me. They all LOVE it. They think it is the greatest book ever written... but that just makes me feel like a complete Neanderthal because I don't understand it.

Stupid Wizard of Ads. I hate you. (I mean really... I bet he just started calling himself that. Who does that???)

Unless you, kind reader, are in management at my company... in which case I was merely being facetious! Oh, how I do love to kid...

But seriously, I hate it. Can't somebody just HELP me become a good writer? JUST TELL ME HOW, GODDAMNIT!!!!

The M effing PNE!

Get ready to SCROLL.

When you go to the PNE, you either go big, or go home. On Saturday, we went big. REAL BIG. 12 hours kind of big. If you don't think that's hardcore, you are a goddamn FOOL! It was the most strange and amazing day ever... allow me to share with you some of the wondrous things that can happen at the PNE...











The whole reason we went there in the first place: NEARLY NEIL.

Getting ready to BRING IT.


















They have such crazy things at the PNE... like pop bongs!













This is Amanda with the giantest cow ever! His name is Peter the Great and he weighs about 3400 pounds. THAT'S HUGE!














Remember when I said "Go big or go home?" Craig took it to the hot dog limit.

Then I was all, "Whoa, dude. I can't believe you just took it to the hot dog limit!"















Holy crap is Nearly Neil ever AWESOME! This is us gettin' DOWN. We ain't got no right, no, no we don't... to be so exciting...









And THEN... we got autographed pictures! Mine says "Sarah, it was my pleasure to meet you here tonight."
Holy shit, do you think he's in love with me? Of course he is. Who isn't?














BUT THEN WE GOT OUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH HIM!!! And you thought the autographed pictures were as awesome as it could get!



So that is what happens when you go to the PNE. You know, FUCKING CRAZY AWESOME TIMES AND ALL. Maybe you should get off your duff and go there. Maybe it will blow your mind. (It will. Trust me.)

ALSO... Mary has all the pics up on her Flickr site. You should check it out. There are some classics.

And now I'm done for tonight. I need to go to bed. See you in the morning, fools!

Friday + Beer = FUN!

So the first ingredient for a kick ass weekend is so obviously to have a kick ass Friday. Like... DUH. For me, this usually involves beer. And rightly so. It helps to drink out of a cup that weighs 8 pounds and holds two (that's right, TWO!) beers, like so:

















And THEN... you can play a round of Dirty Scrabble.
















Uh-oh... does that say what I think it says? Yeah. Probably.

THEN... if you hang out with a bunch of preverts like I do, you can play it again. But this time, you make sure you bring your A game.

















My personal favourite word of the evening was "Ms Tit Hoe USA".

Wow. I love Fridays.

GET READY...

For a 2 part series on how to plan the best friggin weekend EVER. Coming soon, to a blog near you.

Sleeping not-totally-unfortunate-looking

What can I say, I'm all about modesty. If I had said sleeping BEAUTY, then you would have been all, "Who does she think she is, calling herself beautiful?" So I dodged the bullet there.

This morning is much better. Because I slept. And drank coffee. It is a magical combination.

And I heard "Little Red Corvette" on the radio.

I don't think I need to say anything more than that.

Risky Business

I am so goddamn tired right now, it is not even the slightest bit amusing. I'm talking tired. Fucking tired. I went to bed at the reasonable hour of 11:00. I was drunk. I woke up at 4:30am cause I had to pee. There was no turning back after that. I could not get back to sleep. It was totally bush league!

At about 5am I decided that I couldn't just sit there anymore. I went for a walk around the neighborhood. I came back at 5:30am. Tried to sleep again. Didn't work. Finally gave up at 6:30am and started to get ready. Left for work early and walked halfway. Still showed up half an hour early.

This leads me to my current situation: tired as all get out and feeling a little like I died 3 times. I NEED SLEEP.

Lesson learned. Don't drink on motherfucking Wednesdays. That shit is Friday's bitch, and Friday is vengeful.

PS: I am an idiot.

GOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's kind of how I feel like greeting people this morning, but I have managed to keep in check and instead offer the much more professional versions ("Good morning", "Hey", "Hi", "Yo", "Word up, homie".)

ANYWAYS, so something sort of crazy happened to me on the way to work this morning which resulted in me making a poor judgement call and giving in to what may become a severe addiction problem. Here is a transcript of an actual email that I sent to my homies this morning. (Note the time, which is way too early for this kind of enthusiasm.)

From: Sarah
Sent: Wednesday, August 23, 2006 9:14 AM
To: Amanda; Dave; Craig
Subject: RE: There was something else in the subject line before but I changed it cause I can.

Woot! Hey, funny story... I got coffee again this morning because my bus driver didn't stop at Broadway despite people repeatedly yelling at him to let us off the bus... and he drove over the damn bridge... so then I had to walk to the other side to catch another bus back the other way... and then that bus let me off around the corner from the coffee shop... so then I figured "If I'm here ANYWAYS..." so then I got a coffee. For the 3rd day in a row. So ANYWAYS... after telling this story to Platypus he looked at me, kinda laughed nervously and said "Yeah. I can tell you've already had some." Apparently I talk like, reeeeeeealy fast and get a little jumpy and stuff when I have been caffeinated. Then I was telling him about how excited I am about Nearly Neil and I actually jumped up in the air. I think I am starting to scare people.

PS: If I had been telling you this story in person, can you imagine how I would have said it? Probably really fast without stopping to take a breath. CRAZY.

So basically, the point is that I have NEVER had coffee 3 days in a row before and I am concerned because I totally don't want to get addicted! But it is so yummy. But it makes me crazy. Anyone who knows me can probably imagine what I would sound like if I were actually saying this out loud right now. This means talking really fast and making lots of hand gestures and my eyes get a little big and glazed over. I think it scares people. They are like, "Okay... she is either going to start doing a dance or she is going to kill me. Could go either way."

But I honestly feel like I could run a friggin marathon right now. WOOOOOO! I'm sorry.

If you were smart, you would take my picture to all the coffee shops in the surrounding area and instruct those bitches to only give me decaf. (But please don't! I love it.) BAH!

To all those who must interact with me today: I'M SORRY!!!

PS: I should have mentioned that when I got off the bus on the other side of the bridge I said out loud (to myself) "Man, this is bush league!"

If you want to sing out, sing out...

As Jess knows well, I love to sing along when I am listening to music. It is so insanely fun. I can barely stand it. Any song will do. As long as I know the words, we're in business. Even some of the words will do.

Lately, this has become my greatest source of 100% pure comedy. (None of that 95% crap here, folks.) I have decided that there is nothing funnier than when people are singing along to lyrics that make absolutely no sense for them to sing. Prime examples:

• When my mom sings that System of a Down song about the angels and the crying and whatnot. (It's called "Chop Suey" I think.)
• When my dad sings Brick House. I don't know if it's ironic, but it sure as hell creeps me out.
• When I sing anything by the Notorious BIG. "I like it when you call me Big Poppa..."
• When I sing along to "It's All About the Benjamins". I mean... hello! I'm Canadian. We don't have Benjamins up here.

And the list goes on and on and on... however, I think that it is worth mentioning that the song that I was singing when I thought about this in the first place was "Dreadlock Holiday" by 10cc. "I don't like reggae... oh no! I LOVE IT! OH YEAH!"

That one's going in the car, fo sho.

Just (don't) do it.

I just read something on the internet regarding a girl named Misty. After reading that name, I completely lost all interest in the contents of the actual story because I was so distracted by the name Misty.

I think that is one of the worst names you could possibly give to a child. It sounds like the name of a pet. Heck, I wouldn't even name my pet Misty! If my parents had named me Misty I can pretty much guarantee you that we would now be estranged.

Naming your child Misty is a recipe for disaster. Nothing good will come of it, I assure you. Misty lives in 1992, because that was maybe the only time in which it would have passed for being a cool name. Misty has frizzy hair with stand up 80's bangs. Misty wears neon and acid wash without the slightest hint of irony.

I say this because I know people who will be having babies soon. To my knowledge, none of them are considering Misty as a name choice. (Mind you, none of them live in trailers either.) But if you are or ever were considering Misty, please reconsider. For the love of god, reconsider!

I will even offer up some lovely alternatives:

Gretchen
Dolores
Gertrude
Mary-Margaret-Katherine-Elizabeth
Mulva

See? All great options. Thank you for your time.

PS: Don't even get all up in my grill if you happen to be named Misty. Because you know you hate it too.

PPS: If your mom, sister, best friend or whatever happens to be named Misty you better not try getting all up in my grill either. It is a stupid name, and you know it! Feel free to rant about how dumb my name is if you like. I agree with you, SO THERE!

Man, what a rip!

Rip-off, that is.

I thought I was being clever by snacking on dried fruit. The reason I bought it is because when I buy frest fruit it always goes bad before I can eat it all. (What can I say, I am forgetful.) SO... naturally, dried fruit seemed like a good idea. So I bought some and took it to work for snackins.

But then the internet just told me that dried fruit is totally calorie city! This is not good news at all, especially since I was kind of thinking that I wanted to consume LESS goddamn calories. I really need to do my research before I jump on a bandwagon of any sort. This shit is just like the banana chips allllllllllllllllll over again.

Crud.

The one when I fall a little bit in love with a guy on the street.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I am being totally rediculous because you can't possibly just fall in love with a guy that you see on the street. Especially when that guy is like... the same age as your dad. (Hold back on the EWWWWWWW for a moment.)

But it can happen. Under one circumstance in particular...

It can happen when the guy in question is Pierce Brosnan.

















Steph had called me earlier to say that she had just seen Pierce riding past her on a bike. I was totally jealous because I always miss out on things like that. So imagine my delight when for no reason I decided to pop into the art gallery gift store... and I turn the corner to go in through the side entrance... and he is sitting on the bench right in front of me. He was talking on the phone, and as soon as I heard his voice (which is terribly HOT, btw) I kind of freaked out. I was proud of myself for managing to play it totally cool. Even after I saw him the second time on the way out. (My inner voice was saying something like, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!")

Let me tell you ladies, the dude is HOT. Especially for a man his age. (NOTE: Watch The Matador. You will not be sorry. He has a gut and wears a speedo. It is hilarious!) It is kind of frightening. I am not supposed to have anyone in the "over 40" crowd on my hot list. Shit, I must be getting old. But I can honestly say, I totally dig the salt and pepper hair thing.

When I am 40, I will be in heaven when I am hanging out with my peers. But until then, I guess I will just have to invest in 25-30ish age group and wait 15 years for the big payoff. I suppose it's worth it.

Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Tension Headache

Where did it come from, this tension headache? It came from my neck, which got all tense because that's what it does when I am under some stress. The neck tightens up sooooooo much that it is damn near impossible to relax it. Good grief! So added to the neck that is toight like a toiger, is a serious case of the tummy grumbles. Kids, this is what happens when they tell you that you are going to get off work early today at 1pm. So you think to yourself, "Sweet! I'll just eat lunch after I'm done work. Super awesome!"

But it is not super awesome, because they lied and you didn't get to go home early at 1pm because there was too much work. So now it's like, 2:15pm and you are still at your desk and you have still not eaten because there is no time. This is where I pull a Jessie Spano moment:

"THERE'S NO TIME! THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME! I NEED TO SING, ZACK! I HAVE TO SING! I'M SO EXCITED! I'm so... I'm SO CONFUSED!" Wah, wah, wah.

I am so hungry that I am considering making a trip down to the vending machine. You might think this is no great personal sacrifice, but considering said vending machine is owned and maintained by a man who surely realizes that he looks exactly like Hilter and is therefore doing it on purpose... then you can understand why I have issues with it. Being German, I just can't support that sort of thing.

Though, I bet they have some delicious chips in there... screw you, Hitler! I'm not giving in!

Can I leave yet? There is beer that wants me to drink it. The beer and I are really on the same page...

Say You, Say Me...

Sometimes you just don't have anything to say. And that's okay.

Sometimes you just want to tell the world how much you fucking love the piece of cinematic gold that is White Nights starring Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov.

I mean, come on. What 4 year old child in 1985 was not watching this movie?



Okay, so maybe I was the only one. Whatevs!

Just you wait. One day I will do 11 pirouettes and it will blow your fucking mind.

OMIGODOMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD!

Get ready kids, for the BEST NEWS EVER!

Dancing With the Stars is coming back again for a new season. I have never watched it, but you can bet your butt I'll be watching it this time. Why? Because of this asshole:

















Tucker Carlson, giant turd.

That's right children. Tucker Carlson is taking a short hiatus from his career as a professional douchebag (read: conservative pundit) to compete on television for a trophy with a disco ball on it. This is fantastic! I mean, it was already waaaaayyyy too easy to make fun of this guy and now this? He's just GIVING it away! He's like the town whore for jokes about himself!

I imagine that at this very moment, Jon Stewart is running around Manhattan tossing out candy and flower pedals and squealing with glee. I wish I was there with him.

I anticipate that Tucker will likely need a makeover before the show starts. Here is how it will go: "Alright, so let's see what we've got here... lose the suits, put on some sequins, for gods sake cut the hair, and one more thing: Stop being such a dick."

Heh. This is going to be seriously awesome. I love it when uptight white people try to dance. But does he really stand a chance? Not when you are dancing off again Mario fricken Lopez. GOOD LUCK! Have you not SEEN the slater dance? The dude has moves. Serious moves.

Awesome-icity.

You know what is awesome? I'll tell you what is awesome.

The fact that David Cassidy is playing a show at the PNE this year! I think I love him. And I'm not afraid of it. Not ONE BIT.

You know who else will be there? Nearly Neal. I don't even need to tell you how much I love that shit. You're damn right I'm dragging one of you down there to see this one! Any takers? Come on, I'm a good date! I am fully of witty banter and I'll even practice batting my eyelashes if that sort of thing could be enjoyable for you.

You know what else is awesome? Red pepper hummus. De-lish. I like to eat it with carrot sticks.

Also awesome, is the song Black Swan from this album. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Thom Yorke is a bloody genius. He makes some truly delightful and beautiful music. Check it out if you are inclined to agree with me on that one.

And lastly, I enjoy it when you have fun times with google. Jess and I started googling people we went to school with. I did some more of that today, and I'll tell you... I found me a gem. If you went to school with me, then I strongly suggest that you click HERE. It will bring back all kinds of wonderful memories. Fuckin' wonderful silly little memories. Memories are for fuckin' CLOWNS.

Do you know him? Does he call you at home?

If you are inquiring about one Samuel L. Jackson, then yes. And yes.

That's right kids, today whilst working away I received a voicemail. Who was it, you ask?

SAMUEL L. MUTHAFUCKIN' JACKSON.

He called me to encourage me to go see his new film, Snakes on a Plane.

He said it is probably the best movie ever.

He told me to walk out of my boring office job, stop wasting time surfing the internet and for god's sake stop fussing with my fancy hairdo (or hair don't as he called it) and get in that tin can that I call a car, go pick up my co-pilot Dave and GO SEE SNAKES ON A PLANE!

Then he threatened my life in a mild manner and said goodbye.

It was the most amazing thing I have ever had happen to me. And I would like others to have the same awesome experience of being BFF with Sam Jackson.

So here you go, lover:

http://snakesonaplane.varitalk.com/

It will rule your life, fo sheez.

PS: I won some tickets to go see David Gray! Woot! I love free stuff. To the extreme for real.

Houston, we gots problems up in here.

I remember one day at work when Platypus emailed me because he was worried about liking this weird 30 Seconds to Mars song and he thought perhaps he was going crazy or something. (He was... the song isn't that good.) I was not able to offer up any advice on how to deal with the situation because I wouldn't shut up about Jordan Catalano and his lovely eyes.

ANYWAYS, I find myself in a similar situation. This morning I officially decided that I love this song.

Am I crazy? Cause I think it's kinda hot.

Hey, Aqualung!

Dear Amanda and Dani,

You were totally 100% right. I was a fool to have gone so long without seeing Anchorman. It is a truly fantastic film. I loved it. Just like you said I would. Thanks for encouraging me to watch it. I loved it so much I watched it again last night. It was even better the second time. Aces. Thanks, ladies!

Sincerely,

Sarah

Dear Everyone Else,

I can't even tell you how amused I was by this movie. It is so wicked awesome. It is like a little treasure chest full of tiny precious gems that you keep underneath your bed. You open it every once in awhile just to see if it is as glorious as you remember it being... and it is. It always is.

I love just about every song in the movie. It makes everything 100 times funnier. And I also love the moustaches. They also make everything 100 times funnier. And I love Wes Mantooth's pure rage. I just love everything about it.

My favourite parts in the movie are probably not the same as everyone else's. Here are mine:

- "I will punch you in the ovaries. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker."

- Ben Stiller and the Spanish Language news team: "Como están, bitches? Spanish language news is here! Tonight's top story: The sewers run red with Burgundy's blood!"

- Fred Willard. Just because he is Fred Willard: "I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we've both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven't, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking in generalities. Right. I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye."

AND... my favourite lines all come courtesy of one super-hot Luke Wilson:
"I am gonna straight up murder your ass!"
"THIS IS GETTING TO BE RI-GOD-DAMN-DICULOUS!"

I love it so much. And I hope you do too.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: Here is a present for you, friends.





Peace out, homies!

Rock n' Roll McDonalds.

If I worked at McDonalds, this would be an appropriate title. I do not work at McDonalds though, I just really appreciate the misunderstood genius that is Wesley Willis.

ANYWAYS, I have spent pretty much all day listening to an internet radio station of my own creation and I am in a little bit of heaven. It is truly good times. It keeps playing magical songs in a fantastical order. I love it. I am having such good times at my desk today, despite the intense pain in my neck and shoulders. The music is so good that I am forgetting about the physical pain I am experiencing. Now THAT is good music, kids.

I was particularly amused by the selection of "Do You Feel Like We Do?" from the Frampton Comes Alive album. That song is friggin' LONG. That is one chatty guitar, I tell you.

In other news, I am FREEZING cold. I don't understand why they need to keep us all at the temperature of steaks in here... I would be delighted to be kept at room temperature, thank you very much. Brrrrr.

Ha! I totally just banned U2 from my internet radio station. I love it! I have never felt so powerful... take that, Bono!














Make poverty history? Make EVERY U2 SONG SINCE 1990 history! (Well... every one except Discotheque.)

As for you, Whitesnake... you just stay right there.


















I really think these guys have staying power...

A case of the Mondays on a Tuesday.

Long weekends are awesome. You get a whole extra day off to not work. AND you get paid for the not working! All in all, it is a pretty awesome situation. I like it. However, there is a downside to these long weekends. When you go back to work on Tuesday, it is like... way worse than a Monday because the extra day of fun lets you get accustomed to the not working. So when you actually have to go back to work, it seems so much harsher.

BUT... there is also an upside to the craptacular times that await you on the Tuesday after a long weekend. What is it?

That it's Tuesday. So at least you only have 3 more days of work before the weekend comes again.

It's a catch 44, really.

PS: Thank you, America for the Altoids Mango Sours and for helping me see what the future holds for me if I do not get my not-so-sweet heiny to the gym every once in awhile.

Easily amused.

I find that while grand gestures and grand occasions do bring quite a bit of joy to those who are experiencing, I have come to learn that it really is the small things in life that make me happy. This struck me just now, as I was sitting at my desk, highlighting things and doing paperwork. Why?

Because I really love highlighting.

I take great joy in it. I like to take a moment to decide which colour I will use... because I like to make appropriate choices for content. Feminine things always get pink... and masculine always gets green. But sometimes I switch it up. Every day is different.

It has become a very zen-like practice for me and I am truly glad to have a job that requires me to highlight as much as I do.

Now if only I could work this into life outside of work... I would probably never have the urge to rip someone's face off... and what a great thing that would be.

The height of sophistication and professionalism.

Yep, that's me!

Apparently, I look "very professional" and "really lovely" today. Despite the fact that I am wearing these shoes:














It must be accidental colour coordination. My shirt matches the pinstriping on my pants. Who knew?

Desperado...

Everyone remembers that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine's boyfriend gets that far away look in his eyes every time he hears Desperado. I have been long convinced that everyone has a song just like that. Maybe you don't stare off into space when you hear it, but something happens to you when you hear it.

Admit it. You know what I mean.

What is mine? There are a few. But there is one song in particular that is 100% guaranteed to cause major freakouts every time I hear it. It's a different kind of freak out though... of the "OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG!" turn that shit up and DANCE variety. And so, it is with much excitement that I present to you, my Desperado.



Oh, SNAP! That shit is the BOMB!

Please, do tell me... what is YOUR Desperado?