How to win your office costume contest.

Listen up, kids. I'm going to tell you how to win "best costume" without even really trying. It doesn't even matter that we didn't actually HAVE a costume contest at work, but it was pretty much unanimous that I totally won. Here is the magic formula:

Dress up like someone you work with. It seriously kills EVERY TIME. Today, I dressed up like my esteemed collegue Platypus. People were seriously freaking out over it. What did I do? I wore my normal clothes and put on a toque. He wears a toque because he hates his haircut at the moment. It really could not have been more simple.

The results? I am now a legend in Halloween costuming in this office. It is seriously hilarious. Though I am getting quite tired of people calling me by his name instead of my own. If they keep doing it tomorrow I am going to be seriously pissed.

ANYWAYS, the point is that if you pick someone in the office that has a certain "look" about them and has a fairly good sense of humour, it will go over like gangbusters. Woot.

You know you are in the right line of work when...

... at your Monday morning meeting everyone else's answer to "How was your weekend?" starts off with "Dude, I was sooooo hungover..."

I'm glad I wasn't the only one.

I am so sorry, liver. I really appreciate the work you do.

Wow. Just... Wow.

I love this. So much that I can't even really talk about it. Just... watch. And appreciate.





Ohhhhhhhhhh, work. I love you.

Love is real... real is love...

And I assure you, my new found love is 100% for real. Want to see?



















One day, my love. One day we will be together.

It should be noted that when I first saw these boots I actually gasped. They literally took my breath away. Just like when I saw Pierce Brosnan in his casual wear. *swoon*

Who's the boss?

NOT ME!!!!! (Except of dinner. I am totally the boss of my dinner. I always make the decisions in that department.)

Today it was brought to my attention that I am A TOTAL LOSER because I am the boss of nobody, nor will I ever get to be in the near future. It sucks. I want to be the boss of people. I'm a bully, so it's only natural.

I am the boss of this blog... which sounds really cool and important but I am the only one posting on here, so it doesn't really count. I am the boss of my bank account, which I suppose is good practice for the day that I am the ACTUAL boss of something and I need to "crunch the numbers" and budget things.

I am suddenly terrified of going through my entire working life and never being the boss of anything or anybody. Now I am going to have nightmares about it until I figure out a plan for being upwardly mobile... which will probably be NEVER because I am lazy. That's a catch-44 for SURE!

Fuck, I'm neurotic. You think this is funny, but I will seriously continue to freak out about this for the next 4-6 years. I was fine about not being the boss yesterday... but now one of my friends is the boss of SO MANY PEOPLE and now I feel inadequate. And so begins the panic.

I am totally starting a band and calling it PANIC! At the Workplace. Can you think of anything that rhymes with "Tony Micelli"? *sigh*

This one is for all the lovers out there...

Yesterday when I got on the bus to go home, I saw something so bizarre that I almost couldn't believe it.

Through the window of the Dairy Queen I saw a couple sitting in the back corner booth. They were sharing a banana split. I bet you know how I felt about that. If you said "Awwwww that is soooooooooo adorable!" THEN YOU HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES. Quite frankly, I found the whole scene appalling. Sharing ice cream... WHATEVER! If I'm going to Dairy Queen, you're damn right I'm getting my OWN ice cream. Pffffft.

But seriously... why is it that people who are in looooooooooooove have to friggin SHOW it all the time? I don't need to see that, man. Keep it to yourself. I mean, I really love yams but you don't hear me talking about it all the time, do you? I don't carry yams around in my purse so that I can caress them in public spaces, do I? NO. BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD. SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT WITH PEOPLE EITHER.

I think I have found a solution that will allow lovers and haters to each live in peace... send the lovers to Virginia. Apparently, Virginia is just for them. I saw it on a t-shirt. That way, the rest of us who are not in love will be free to have swinging good times without ever having to be reminded of our un-coupledness. WOOT.

Mmmmmmmmmm.

I love candy. So hard. It always makes me happy and it tastes like magic. Alas, I rarely ever have any on hand. So you can imagine my joy when I went looking for some and Platypus supplied me with strawberry licorice AND strawberry-ice cream flavoured Chupa Chups! Total score. Thanks, frend. I needed that. Yummmmmm. Candy.

Help me help you.

Dear Gamblers Anonymous,

I know you have problems with the gambling and I understand that it is very hard to deal with. That is why I am offering my services as a councellor. You talk, I listen. I am a very good listener, you know. I will gladly listen to you talk about your feelings regarding the gambling. Perhaps it might help you to get into specifics, like how one might best go about betting on NFL football. It's all in the details you know. Just get it all out there. I'm here for you man. I'm here for you.

So yeah, any time you are ready to talk about things... like say... how you used to go about making football picks and how that made you feel, you just let me know.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: This has nothing to do with the fact that I keep losing the football pool. Not at all. I just want to help... as totally un-selfish people are wont to do.

20 Years Ago Today

It was totally 1986. I was at my grandma's house rocking out to Duran Duran, cause I was a fucking cool 5 year old. My mom was in the hospital. Why?

BECAUSE SHE WAS HAVING A BABY!!!!!!

That's right, kids. My baby sister turns 20 today. Oh, they grow up so fast...

Happy Birthday, sister! You're not so bad after all. But just think how you would have turned out if I wasn't around. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNN!

HEY, WHAT IS UP?

I'll TELL you what is up. I AM. It is 11:00. In the PM. I should be in bed by now. But I am not. Here is why.

I put a load of laundry in when I got home at 9. When the machine turned off and I went to switch it over to the dryer it was dripping wet and covered in fucking soap. So I had to start the load over again. Time passed. The machine seemed to be taking a really long time, so I went to check it. It was halfway through the cycle. More time passed. I went back up to check it again. It was still halfway through the cycle. IT GOT STUCK. So I tried to unstick it. It seemed kind of okay. Now I am still waiting. I am PISSED OFF. I still have to put that shit in the dryer. I WILL BE UP UNTIL FUCKING MIDNIGHT AND IT IS ALL BECAUSE THE FUCKING WASHER IS FUCKING BROKEN.

And if I knock on the door and tell my landlords they will shoot me in the face because they are in bed and the baby is sleeping and it is past 11, so technically I am breaking the laundry rules. FUCK THE LAUNDRY RULES. IT IS YOUR STUPID FAULT FOR HAVING A BROKEN FRIGGING APPLIANCE.

I hate my life right now. I am so tired I want to cry.

Weeds. Awesome. Watch it.

So I am watching Weeds right now and just heard the best line EVER:

U-Turn: "Yo, this here is Teenia. She's studyin that cosmenology."
Teenia: "It's COS-MET-OLOGY."
U-Turn: "Girl, I'll throw this beer on you! Say somethin' else!"


And then, of course, there is Snoop Dogg rappin' about the MILF Weed. Check it, yo.




I love it when white people dance to the hip-hop music.

Hold onto your hats, ladies!

You might be wondering why I am instructing the ladies to hold onto their hats. (Actually, gents should do the same.) It is because I'm 'bout to blow your friggin' mind. Seriously. This brand new story I have is so crazy that you might possibly just fall over because you will not believe it. So get ready...

Guess where I went yesterday? (HINT: It was NOT the zoo.)

Ready?

I went to....

THE GYM.

I KNOW! HOLY CRAP, RIGHT? That's what I said after minute 10 of the elliptical workout when I was pretty sure I was going to pass out. But I did not. It was crazy. I kind of enjoyed it.

If I start going there kind of regularly, will you still love me? (I'll just tell you right now that you will probably love me even more because I will still be cute and funny but I will also have a SPECTACULAR looking ass. Oh, come ON! Don't act like you've never checked it out.)

The No Fun Club.

This morning when I was making my tea I managed to cut myself and I started bleeding. It was no fun. No fun at all. So I put on a Pirate band-aid. But it didn't really fit right because it was not the long kind... it was more like those square kind. Those do not work well on fingers. It was annoying.

But do you know what was even more annoying?

When I cut myself AGAIN on the same finger and started bleeding AGAIN. That was even more not fun. The pirate band-aid just doesn't work for this kind of injury. I might need to make a special trip to purchase more novelty band-aids in the long shapes. *sigh*

Other things about today that are not fun:

• being exposed to some unknown virusy business by two people who were throwing up last night but came to work anyways. I COULD BE INCUBATING IT NOW. THANKS A LOT. (BTW... I hope you feel better, Platypus. Just know that if I catch your disease that I will be in the mood for revenge after I am well again.)
• I am super tired due to being disturbed in my sleep by phantom callers. (See below.)
• I heard that goddamn Titanic song today on the radio. It was like I was trapped in a prison (not unlike Guantanamo because that is a super bad prison to be in.) except that this prison was worse than that because it was in HELL. ACTUAL HELL. It was that awful for me.
• I have to clean my room when I get home because I made a total mess in there. I hate cleaning. Cleaning is no fun. Cleaning is for babies. (NOTE: If babies were actually in charge of cleaning things then I would totally want one. But since they do pretty much the opposite of cleaning, I do not want one. Like, EVER.)

The End.

Have you no decency????

Those who know me well know that I loves me some sleepin'. It is quite possibly my favourite thing in the world. I really do love it. So when you wake me from my golden slumber then I kind of want to shoot you in the face.

This morning my phone rang at 5am. 5:00! AM! It was a withheld number. I did not answer it because IT WAS 5 FUCKING AM and I really could not have formed complete sentences at the time. But here's the kicker: if you are calling me at 5am, I would assume that whatever you need to talk to me about it sort of important... BUT IT WAS NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LEAVE A MESSAGE.

Stupid jerks.

The moral of the story? Don't wake me up unless it is for something reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good like "Hey, you totally just won a million dollars" or "Hey, George Clooney is here and we wants to marry you." or "Hey, it snowed 4 feet and so you don't have to go to work... you can totally sleep in." Those would all be acceptable. But I would probably still be a little grumpy. Grrrr.

No lonely hearts allowed!

I was walking home today and I heard the most hilarious thing. There was this Dad and a kid getting out of a car. They had the following conversation:

Kid: "MOVE YOURSELF!"
Dad: "Come on now. Stop it. Don't sing YES songs. You know better. It's embarassing."
Kid: "Okayyyyyyyyy..."

Heh. I was just impressed that a 9 year old kid knows YES.




MOVE YOURSELF!

This is why I hate things that are "fun for the whole family"...

Did you go to the PNE this past summer? I did. That was fricken' ages ago. ANYWAYS, it was at the PNE in which I observed something so traumatizing that it still bothers me to this day.

It was called "Rollin' Thunder" and it is the reason that I have to deal with this song being stuck in my head every day...




THANKS A LOT, COWPOKES.

It is kind of fun to sing along to though.

"I wouldn't have called him that if I had known..."

So I'm sitting in my office when this dude walks in and starts telling a story. It went something like this:

"So I was talking to (insert random name here) and he's all, "Nice shirt, man. What colour is that, mauve?" So I looked at him and said "What are you talking about? Mauve? It's purple, you fag! What the hell is wrong with you? MAUVE???? Jesus.""

Obviously, said individual is not an avid watcher of The Office. If there is anything that show has taught us this season it is not to throw terms like "fag" or "faggy" around the office all willy-nilly.

But it is still kind of funny... probably because of its inappropriateness.

Final score:

Hilarious macho jokes: 1 Political Correctness: 0 (or -25, depending on how you look at it.)

Oh, internet! You are just too awesome sometimes.

SO... the network drives went to shit this afternoon, which left me with a bit of free time on my hands and some internet access!

This is what I found.

I kind of love it. Enjoy, friends.

Thanks, Dad.

Despite not having watched a single football game this season (neither NFL nor CFL...) I have managed to show some serious talent for making picks in the weekly pool. I am seriously on FIRE! It is fantastic. I haven't won yet, but I don't even really care. I'm just excited to have KICKED ASS and beat out certain boys who maybe doubted my mad skillz initially. It is really quite satisfying.

Now if only y'all would stop hassling me about teaching you the secrets of my complex selection system... unless you plan to buy me some fairly awesome presents, you ain't getting the info. So think about that.

Props go out to my dad, for forcing me to watch football every Sunday and Monday night for the first 15 years of my life. Looks like I learned something after all.

Go ahead, be gone with it.

FYI... I'm totally bringing sexy back. If you choose to dispute this claim, you just let me know and a "dance break" will be arranged. This should be sufficient proof of my ability to indeed bring back the aforementioned "sexy". I'll show you!

ANYWAYS... if you have not been to visit Body Worlds 3 (now on at le World du Science) you are a goddamn FOOL. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I kind of imagined that it was like I had a remote that could just pause people... and then I could dissect them and use them for science. (WHAT? SCIENCE EFFING KILLS IT. IT WOULD BE TOTALLY WORTH IT.)

Seriously though. So effing COOL. It is like heaven for science nerds (such as myself). The most amazing part for me was the fetuses. (Fetusi? WTF is the plural of fetus?) It showed the various stages of development while the baby is in utero... and I was astounded. By the time a woman is a mere 8 weeks pregnant, the embryo has developed individual hands, fingers and eyes! At 14 weeks there is a visible spinal column! I can't even tell you how amazing it is to look at. Looking at it got me so excited about all my little babies that will soon be arriving. At each stage they showed I kept thinking "That is what Steph's baby looks like RIGHT NOW!" "Holy crap! There is a baby that same size inside Jackie's tummy!" "Doreen's baby is that big already?" Let me tell you, Auntie Sarah can't WAIT!!!!

I am officially starting the baby countdown RIGHT NOW. My aunt Doreen is due in January... and I am so excited because I get to see her in two weeks! You have no idea how awesome that is. I haven't seen her since we found out she was pregnant! So cute. Miss Stephanie is due in December and I can't wait to spoil the crap out of that baby girl. And then there is Miss Jackie, whom I didn't get to see when the Sawchuk's made their way out here in September... but that baby is going to have the coolest parents in the world and I can't wait to meet lil' baby Tank. (we just took to referring to the baby as Tank... don't ask!) Auntie Sarah is ready and waiting with fantastic presents and (when you are old enough) the good candy.

PS: The other awesome part about Body Worlds is that you get to look at a healthy liver and a liver that has sclerosis. Then as soon as we left we got fuckin' DRUNK. Oh, irony... how I love you so. Hooray for Fridays!

PPS: Dave, what an awesome way to party it up before you go. I will miss you SO HARDCORE. I promise to take good care of the PS2 and I will think of you whenever I watch me some Sealab. Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, homes!

Heeere's Johnny!

Holy crap. Why do I do this to myself?

On the advice of Rob, I came home and had myself a Guinness. I cooked myself some dinner. I was all alone. I still am. So what do I decide to do? Watch The Shining.

EFF.

This movie freaks me out, man. Even if it is only 7:30 at night.

I'm scared, Tony. Remember what Mr. Halloran said. It's just like pictures in a book, Sarah. It isn't real.

Holy crap.

The small things

Yesterday Amanda and I went for a walk up Main Street after work. We stopped in at Lazy Susan's and I found something so awesome that I had that "Oh my god I NEED this." feeling. So I got it and was overjoyed at my new purchase. What was it? This:













Yarrrrrr. Those be pirate bandaids, matey. And as if the awesomeness of skull bandaids was not enough, it also came with a treasure inside. This was the point where I got REALLY excited. This was my treasure:



















Holy crap! A pirate duck! It is much smaller than this, of course. It can fit on the top of a pen and is awesome. I am now the proud owner of the most hardcore, badass duck ever. I love it. I am so happy.

I guess the small things in life really are the FREAKING COOLEST. Yarrrrrrrrrrr.

Sarah's Comedy Jam

The funniest jokes always just pop up in casual conversation. It is almost like if you want to be funny, you can't think about it too much. No pre-planning. It is without further delay that I share with you some hilarious moments that you can share with your friends. (But if you do not give credit accordingly, I will put a hex on you and your family. Just something to think about.)

MOMENT #1:

This happened at Bingo with Dave and Craig. Some jerkface called a bingo before we had a chance to win. Then the following took place:

BINGO CALLER: "Last call for bingo. Once, twice..."

ME: "Three tiiiiiiimes a ladayyyyy..."

This is where Dave and Craig laughed their butts off. I always kill at bingo. (My B-12 joke always goes over well too. That is when they call B-12 and I say "That's totally my favourite vitamin!" The bingo crowd loves it. They also enjoy it when the call O-69 and we all gasp and say "Oh my!" or "Now that's just inappropriate..." )

MOMENT #2:

This took place this morning via emails (some paraphrasing):

ME: Other Dave wants to hang out on Friday before he leaves.

AMANDA: Friday sounds good, should we do something Vancouvery with him before he goes?

(Work) DAVE: Let's get him hooked on Crystal Meth!

AMANDA: Or designer handbags.

Come on. You know that is funny.

MOMENT #3:

This took place at the pub yesterday:

Basically this just involved Dave and I telling everyone (including the big boss) that "Jager is like Christmas in your belly". It really is though. Apparently the origins of this phrase can be traced back as far as Dave's first Christmas in Vancouver, when Platypus said it to him.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, comedy.

Hello Goodbye

Today was the super-awesomest. You know you are in a good spot career-wise when you can down a shot of Jagermeister in front of your boss's boss and not think anything of it. GOOD TIMES. It is also super fun when the company is all, "Here kids. You just drink some beer and we will totally pay for it." Woot! That is what I am talking about.

ALSO... Dave and I went to the Reef for dinner and it was THE YUMS. So effing delicious. Plantain chips and jerk chicken... mmmmmmmmmmmmm. I gave him tips about all of my favourite places to visit in Australia and it looks like he will end up going to some of the same places. This is super awesome, because I want to see if they have changed in 4 years. Plus, it will make me happy to think about being there again. However, this does have a downside... which is that Dave will be gone for 7 months and I will miss him ever so dearly. There are not many kids around here that like to eat ribs while listening to Marvin Gaye and watching cartoons.

Now it is freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold in here and I am going to go to bed. Brrrrrr.