Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

It has officially started. It is officially crap. I officially hate it.

IT IS THE TIME WHEN THEY START PLAYING SHITTY CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE RADIO ALL THE TIME.

I hate Christmas music, man. It is so lame. It is always about how people loooooooove people and how everyone is happy and how it is totally not even the most stressful time of year at all. So basically, it is all lies. Except for the Hanukkah song. That one is awesome.

I only like the Christmas songs that tell the truth. So for your viewing/listening pleasure, I give you an honest Christmas song, which exposes the plight of the sweatshop labourers (elves) that work so hard to make your Christmas gifts. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THEM, JERKS.

Fun with the internet!

So, I was messing about on the interweb of lies when I found THIS page. It takes your name or any word you tell it to and puts it into a movie quote. Just look at what it came up with for me:


First rule of Sarah Club is - you do not talk about Sarah Club.


That's right, jerks. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT SARAH CLUB. You can, however, talk about this blog and how awesome it is.

What to do on a freezing cold Tuesday.

So it was my first vacation day in YEARS yesterday, and I sure as hell wasn't about to waste it on account of the freezing temperatures. So what did I do? I ATE ME SOME DAMN BARBECUE!

Memphis Blues, how have I gone this long without you? So delicious. I ate enough meat to fill my quota for the rest of the month, and I loved every minute of it. SO GOOD. I don't want to eat anything but barbecue for the rest of my life. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I'm so totally going back there a million times over.

The other reason it was such a pleasant experience is because the most lovely looking man came in to eat. He was positively gorgeous. He wore glasses. You all know I'm a sucker for a hot man in glasses. *swoon* Now if only I could learn how to talk to them, we'd be set.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

The Good:

I have the day off tomorrow! Woot! I haven't missed a single day of work in about 2 years, so this is a very novel concept for me. Whatever will I do with my time? If I had gone grocery shopping YESTERDAY, the answer to that would be "sitting around in sweatpants eating soup and drinking hot chocolate." But alas, I have neither soup nor hot chocolate. That is weak.

Also good: how pretty it looks when you look out the window, the yummy thai peanut curry I just made and the fact that I totally just watched the movie "Mannequin" and now that awesome Starship song is playing in the credits.

The Bad:

It is approx. -150 degrees in my house right now. Fucking basements. I have the flippin space heater on, but it is not strong enough for the job.

Also bad: I cut my finger today, ending my 1 day injury free streak. And to think, I was doing so well!

The Ugly:

The ice rink that once was the street I live on. I think this will likely prevent me from doing much on my day off, on account of the SHITTY DRIVING CONDITIONS. Wah.

I am also slightly annoyed about the fact that I put together a killer outfit for my office Christmas party, yet it will be wasted, as I have no date. WHAT ELSE IS NEW?????? Frig.

I blame the inner ear problems I had as a child...

Yo! What's the haps? is pleased to present a story of an incredible Saturday night, told in two parts. Enjoy!

PART I: "How did I not know about this? It is the most amazing thing ever!"

SO... Amanda and I decided to head over to Granville Island Brewery to indulge in a taster round. It was totally awesome, because I discovered that they make CHOCOLATE BEER. YES, M-effers. I said CHOCOLATE BEER. It is delicious. You should probably try it. Yummmmmm.

PART II: "What the hell, man? How did I end up on the sidewalk?"

I still don't understand the answer to this, but whatevs, man. Whatevs. So here's the story. Upon leaving Sammy J's with Amanda and Platypus, I fell victim to a rogue tree branch in the middle of the sidewalk. I know what you are thinking. What the hell was a tree branch doing in the middle of the sidewalk on Granville Island? I DON'T KNOW. There aren't even any friggin' trees around there, yo! What the frig? So yeah. I was in mid sentence of what I'm sure was some hilarious anecdote when BOOM! suddenly I'm on the ground in some lame-o 1990's looking jazz dance pose. The hilarious part is that I didn't stop talking. It went like this: "Blah, blah, blah...*falling down occurs here* Holy crap, yo. I totally just fell down!" I sat there for a second, trying to assess the situation before I got up and walked away. I am still friggin' confused about how it happened. I think it is because a) I habitually drag my feet when I wear my snow boots and b) I had inner ear problems as a child.

So the moral of the story is, that sometimes you drink delicious Granville Island Lions Winter Ale and fall down afterwards, despite the fact that you are totally not even drunk like you were that one time when you screamed like an ambulance in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

What? You didn't do that? Me neither. I was just making that up... you know, to illustrate a point and whatnot. GOODNIGHT.

HA!

Okay, Pandora. You are officially forgiven, despite the fact that you still refuse to play "Shaking the Tree". How did you redeem yourself?

You played THIS on my Bruce Springsteen station:




Now THAT is funny. I think even the Boss himself would appreciate that kind of humour.

Target-Schmarget.

So I totally love Target. Everyone knows this. I was just there last weekend and bought some good stuff. It was awesome. But now I am mad at Target. So very, very mad. Why? Because of these:






















They are only the COOLEST lights I have EVER seen! I want them so bad. It will make my Christmukkah celebration complete! (Hey, I celebrated Christmukkah WAY before the OC was on, so don't even go there, jerks.) ANYWAYS, I totally want them. However, they are not sold in the stores so I was all prepared to order them online when... GASP!!! To my horror, I discovered that they do not ship to Canada!

This is an injustice. I'm never going to find these anywhere else! Crud. SO MUCH FOR THE GOOD TIMES I WOULD HAVE HAD WITH MY NEW HANUKKAH LIGHTS. Target sucks so hard right now. So hard.

I'm sorry I missed you, Bobby.

Last night I got to watch the premiere screening of Bobby. I was pretty excited about it, mostly because of the Emilio Estevez factor. Whenever I think of Emilio, I immediately think of The Mighty Ducks. I can't help it. That's just the kind of thing that sticks with you, you know? So ANYWAYS, I was very excited about the movie. It turns out that I had good reason to be so excited. It was really great. I mean it... really, really great.

The thing about this movie that really blew my mind is that despite being set in 1968, he managed to create a reflection of today's political landscape, and that really freaked me out. To think that it is 2006, and we are basically in the exact same situation as we were back then is kind of terrifying to me. Watching the archival footage of Bobby Kennedy's speeches got me very emotional... I almost cried, because the whole time I was thinking, "Holy shit, we need this guy right now." We really do. I mean, there was a scene where he was talking to school children about pollution and how we have to start protecting the environment. THIS WAS IN 1968. 1968!!!!! I was amazed to see that this guy had such foresight... how different would things have turned out if he had become president? It truly amazed me.

We need a new Bobby Kennedy. I hope we find one. (ARE YOU LISTENING, BARACK OBAMA?? If you are, I totally love you in the high school crush kind of way.)

So yeah. Go see this movie. If it almost made me cry, you know it's good. (NOTE: I don't think I have cried since the late 90's, due to being "dead inside".)

PS: It should also be noted that in the car on the way home I suddenly shrieked when I realised something: "OH MY GOD! JOSHUA JACKSON WAS TOTALLY IN THE MIGHTY DUCKS WITH EMILIO ESTEVEZ!!! THAT IS TOTALLY WHY HE WAS IN THIS MOVIE!!! AMAZING."

Huzzah! It's FINALLY HERE!!!!

So I have many more important things to talk about, but I think this really deserves a post all to itself. I have been waiting for AGES (read - a couple of weeks) for someone to post this video on YouTube and it finally came! It is a prime example of how song choice in movies and television is so friggin' important. If they had chosen any other song, this would not have been as awesomely hilarious. Enjoy.



TUNA, ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? So great. I am so happy that I work in an office where people sing ALL THE TIME. It is seriously fantastic. People seem to enjoy my versions of "Love on the Rocks" and "Father Figure".

Uncle Jesse, where are you???

There are some things that seriously only ever happen on tv. These are things like how whenever Zack Morris gets crazy news it is right after he has gulped a mouthful of soda, so he ends up spitting it out all over the table. Or like how some cute dude spills coffee on a chick and they end up getting married. Or like how when you are walking to work down Cambie street and you totally get splashed by a fricking dump truck, resulting in soaking wet pants.

YEAH, THAT TOTALLY HAPPENED TO ME THIS MORNING.

It was like it happened in slow motion... I saw the truck coming fast... I saw the puddle... I ran backwards... I threw myself against a fence to try to get as far away as possible... it hit the puddle... but I never had a chance! SPLOOOOOOSH! Water flew 10 feet in the air! I was hit by a wave of muddy water and before I knew it, I was standing there with soaked pants and my best angry face. It was not a pleasant walk to work. It was cold. So I bought myself a coffee to make up for it.

Luckily, the ladies I work with are totally awesome and gave me a heater to put under my desk to dry my pants. Good times. Why does this rediculous stuff always happen to me? Grrrrr.

SO, HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN SO FAR????

Remember the good times we used to have?

Dear Pandora,

Remember when Dave first showed you to me and I thought you were super awesome because I made a radio station based around the song "Apache" by the Sugarhill Gang and it was effing amazing???? Yeah. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

Today I suddenly wanted to listen to the fantastic Peter Gabriel song "Shaking the Tree". So I made a station for it. I listened all day. You did not play "Shaking the Tree". In fact, none of the songs you played even sounded like "Shaking the Tree". I am very upset about this. Now I will have to go home and illegally download it from the internet and I am super pissed about it because it will probably take 12 years due to the shitty internet connection.

So really, I just have one question for you, Pandora. I think you really need to sit down and think about this long and hard before you come back with a stupid-assed technical nerd answer.

What the hell does WHAM! have to do with Peter Gabriel?

I love WHAM! (and who doesn't? That shit is fun.) but I do not want to hear it when I am trying to listen to SHAKING THE TREE. So until you can play me some Shaking the Tree, you can frig off, Pandora. Frig right the heck off.

Yours truly,

Sarah

AHHH-CHOO!

So for the past week I have totally been a Sneezy Sneezerson and I can't figure out why. At first I blamed it on the dang cats, but then I was sneezing like crazy at work and we totally don't have any cats at work. So that is probably not the reason. Then I thought that maybe I am actually getting sick... but it hasn't really progressed beyond all the sneezing. So basically, I am very confused as to why I am sneezing so dang much.

This morning I developed a new theory, though. I think that maybe I am allergic to myself. It makes perfect sense! Everywhere I go I am sneezing... and I am everywhere I go! It is the only possible explanation. (Besides maybe DUST which I am also allergic to... and then again maybe I am actually fighting off a cold.) But really... WHO KNOWS???? Not me.

I seriously feel like ass. I want to sleep more. It would be 100% wicked awesome if I were at home in bed right now. But I am not... because there is work to be done. Which I must go and continue to do. I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE A BREAK EVERY NOW AND THEN. So you can just relax there, Judgy Judgerson.

The word of the day!

I thought it was about time for me to try something new, so I decided to make a new feature for today. It is the word of the day! Learning is fun, so I'm pretty sure you are going to like this.

Today's word is: TURBIDITY.

Definition:

turbidity - the reason we are all being forced to take it up the ass and PAY FOR OUR FREAKING DRINKING WATER.

Alternate definition:

turbidity - total bullcrap!!!!!!!!

And that concludes today's lesson. Tell your friends! Share the knowledge!

Dude, I totally missed you...

... I really fucking missed you. You won't understand why for about another week. So, my muffins, what did you do last night? I fucking rocked... and fucking rolled... like this:

Eine Maus in meinem Haus!

Ja!

So last night I was woken up by a little rustling noise. My first thought was, "It's a fucking mouse. A FUCKING MOUSE. IN MY ROOM." So I jolted up, turned on the light and searched for evidence. There was totally nothing there, so I tried to go back to sleep. But then I heard it again. This happened 3 times, but I couldn't find anything. I was totally freaked out because mice are gross, so I couldn't sleep very well.

I did manage to get back to sleep for but a short time before being woken up again, this time by Lydia freaking out because the mouse was under her bed, for reals! I don't blame the girl for freaking... that shit is disturbing.

Apparently, there was only one mouse and it is now dead, thanks to the cat and is now awaiting burial at the hands of the landlord because you know neither of us are going anywhere NEAR that business.

This happens pretty much once a year, usually in the winter. It is downright terrifying and every time it happens I think that I need to move to a mouse free zone. If only mouse free zones were cheaper... *sigh*

PS: Prior to the mouse incident (which I think was expertly handled by miss Erin) we had a lovely time doing the main street tea crawl with Brie! You should probably visit that link so that you can read her post all about it and see the photographic evidence, as I am much too tired to post it myself at the moment. This is what happens when you have a mouse and you have to get up early. But anyways, go there!

I hate you and I'm sorry.

Last night Craig, Mary and I were having a conversation about something and I suddenly realised how often I say the word hate. Craig never ever says it... yet it is my standard reply to people when they make me mad. In fact, I just said it 3 times to someone at work in about 2 minutes. I remember when I was little, everytime I said it my dad would say, "Now Sarah, hate is a really strong word..." and then I would usually reply with "Good, cause I meant it!" It's kind of like it has lost all meaning to me. How odd.

Then we started talking about when our parents would make us apologize to our siblings after we fought. Whilst Craig probably gave polite, sincere apologies to his sister, the best mine ever got out of me was "I'm sorry. I'M SORRY YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!" Indeed, I was a lovely child.

So basically, I guess the point is that if I have told you that I hate you I probably didn't mean it. But I probably won't ever apologize for it either. But don't worry, buttercup. We are still friends. I love you guys!

Go sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.

Last night I popped in for a coffee at Bean Around the World on Main and I really didn't think anything weird was going to happen, except for the case of the "caffeine crazies" that was likely to develop after my first sip of Americano deliciousness. But I was wrong.

On the way out the door to the patio, Jess was stopped by this dude with crazy hair who was wearing some sort of hippie getup and holding a guitar. They appeared to know each other, so I didn't think it was weird when we sat down with him. He started chatting away about his guitar playing progress and was really enthusiastic about the whole thing, which I thought was nice.

Then he turned the focus of the conversation to me.

"What do you do Sarah? Do you work? What do you do? I'd like to know."

I gave him a sort of vague answer without telling him what I really do or where I really work.

"Ummm... kind of like... advertising and stuff, but not really."

"Oh my god, that's so great! But you know what? I really hate advertising, I think it's total bullshit...."

And so began the rant about media ownership and how advertising is ruining the universe and how we need to start a grassroots movement about somethingorother and BLAH BLAH BLAH. It went on for about 10 minutes. I did not say a single word. He just talked and talked and talked while I sat there, baffled and kind of amazed. I still have no idea what he was saying to me.

Oh yeah, did I mention that after about the 2 minute mark Jess left the table and left me there alone to fend for myself. SO THANKS FOR THAT.

ANYWAYS, when he finally stopped talking we finally made it outside to the patio where we got about 10 mins free from this crazy man. Just when I thought he was gone, he walked over to us and said excitedly, "Oh! There was one more thing I wanted to tell you. I'll make it quick."

He turned around to face the street and yelled, "FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He started giggling and said "I love doing that. People really freak out when I do that. But it is important that we remind them."

Mmmmmkay. You just do that then, CRAZY.

So the moral of the story is, if you want to drink your coffee in peace, avoid the hippy guitar player who looks like Art Garfunkel with dark hair. You might just save 20 mins of your time that you could have used to ponder the significance of pocket lint. Just trust me on that.

SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!!!!!

Yesterday was a most fantastic Tuesday. I can tell you why by using very few words:

GUITAR HERO II.

Eff yeah!

The playlist is so wicked awesome. I rocked out. Hard. So hard. And you can too... if you come to my house and play it... or you buy it yourself. Either way, you won't be sorry.




Ummm... yeah. I am totally not that good yet. But I have heart, and everyone knows that the most intense rocking comes from the heart. (And also from rocketsauce, which I totally have to the extreme for reals.) Eff yeah.

Super crazy party fun time!

As a 25 year old single gal, people seem to think that I go home every night and party it up, sorority-style. I don't know why they think this, but they do. Yesterday I sought to prove them right. That's right. I decided to party on a Monday. So I did. With these guys:















YEAH! FUCKING AQUAFIT!!!!!

It was seriously awesome. Jess and I were the youngest ones there, so compared to the 60 year old ladies I kind of felt like maybe I looked okay in a swimsuit. Here is a list of reasons why aquafit is so goddamn awesome:

1. You can make new friends who can probably teach you how to knit or cook a turkey.
2. There is an awesome soundtrack comprised of 90's dance hits (I LIKE TO MOVE IT MOVE IT!) and Barry White.
3. Your workout comes complete with super gay aerobics instructor who cannot stop smiling and is so enthusiastic that he jumps in the pool with his shoes on.
4. It is actually kind of an intense workout.
5. When you make jokes the old people think you are hilarious.
6. You get an extra workout for your abs due to all the laughing you will do.

So basically what I am saying is that there really is no downside to this aquafit business. SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO IT. You won't be sorry. Until next time...

I'll see you bitches at the Y!

Short is the new long.

Today I thought I would expand my horizons by shrinking my hemlines. I wore a short skirt to work. Eep! It's cool though, because I am on board with this whole skirt with leggings business. I must say, I am totally glad that this is en vogue at the moment because you can wear a short skirt without worrying about your butt showing because you are technically wearing pants. It is actually quite a brilliant scheme. Plus, the leggings are black so they make my legs look nicer than they actually are. Woot!

The downside to all of this is that people keep looking at me strangely. I can't figure out if the looks mean a) "That looks cute, high five!" b) "You look like a damn fool." c) "That is hardly work appropriate... take it to the mall, kid!" or if they are just in shock about seeing me in a skirt at all, much less a short one. Who knows.

ANYWAYS, I totally decided to buy Guitar Hero II tomorrow instead of trying to get Guitar Hero I for cheap. Why? BECAUSE II IS GOING TO ROCK SO MUCH HARDER. It costs $90 (EEP!) which is quite a hefty investment considering that I will have to give up the PS2 when Dave comes back home in 6 months. BUT I DON'T CARE. This thing is going to provide me with hours of entertainment and will likely do the same for Dave when he comes back home. I seriously can't wait to rock out to Strutter and Carry On My Wayward Son. EFF YEAH!

Now, there is one last matter to be discussed. I have been waiting all week for someone to post a video from last week's episode of the Office because it was so goddamn hilarious. This is not the clip I was looking for, but it is equally fantastic. Ohhhhhhh, Jim.





But seriously, this episode made me love Andy even more. How can you not love him? The dude keeps a bottle of Jagermeister in his desk. I wish he sat in front of me at work.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains...

Well friends, it is a Friday and you know what that means... I battled the SHITSTORM. So, I thought I would share with you one of my coping strategies for those rough days.

I do this a lot.





No, seriously. A lot.