OH, JANUARY! YOU KIDDER, YOU!!!!

So today being the last official day of January (aka MY PERSONAL HELL) I figured I'd try and exit this month on a positive note.

So I signed up for the Sun Run. Because I'm a FRIGGING IDIOT. Heh. But seriously, folks. I think it's going to be a good thing. But this means I need to start some training. So I figured I would try to end January (aka MY PERSONAL HELL) by starting training today so that I would have a reason to feel great about myself, despite all the crap that I had to deal with this past month.

So just before 7, I went out for a little jog. I soon found out all the reasons why this was a really crappy idea. First off, IT WAS COLD. That part didn't matter so much when I started running, because I warmed up right away. However, it was not so good for my lungs. You see kids, I somehow forgot about my ASTHMA. Apparently running around in the freezing cold doesn't do wonders for the asthma. I was only about halfway through my intended workout when I started wheezing. So the running turned into a brisk walk. Wah. Also, I learned that running in the dark is not a good idea either. It makes it difficult to dodge wayward tree branches in the middle of the sidewalk. And lastly my dears, it is not a good idea to run when there is ice and frost on the ground. THAT IS HOW PEOPLE GET HURT.

So I think it's safe to say that there will be no more running outside... at least until the weather improves. I'm going to have to get my ghetto butt a gym membership (eeeek!) even though I don't know if I can really afford it. It's cool though. It's for the greater good.

I just hope that the wheezing is gone by the morning. BECAUSE FEBRUARY DOES NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT BULLCRAP. FEBRUARY IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.

It has to be. It just has to be.

Rock out, rockers.

This morning I listened to my trusty old mp3 player on the way to work. It was actually a pretty killer mix today. You can't help but feel positive about things to come when you step out the door and the first song you hear is "Lovely Day" by Bill Withers. I felt truly magical at that moment.

Then, at the exact moment that the Cambie bus hottie stepped onto the bus, Blue Rodeo's "Lost Together" came on. I think that is a sign. *sigh* Bus hottie is totally hot. (Hence the name, bus hottie, I suppose...)

But here is the best moment of the day so far: I was walking from the bus to work, listening to Snoop Dogg and feeling pretty fierce. I looked down at my hand and realized that my thumb was bleeding. At that very moment I thought to myself, "God DAMN, I am so HARDCORE right now!"

Then I got to work and put a bright pinky orange bandaid on and my street cred instantly evaporated. It's all good though. I'll get that shit back. Word.

You're no good, baby. You're no good.

I've never really been overly confident about myself or my abilities. I've kind of always thought of myself as kind of average. That being said, there are some things I know I'm good at, but there are also some things that I'm *pretty sure* I'm decent at. One of those things is writing. I've always been kind of insecure about my writing. When I read things that I've written, I'm never too sure whether or not it's actually good. I suspect that it might not be awful, but I'm always so worried about what other people are going to say.

I love writing and I always have. Only since I started this blog last year, have I ever been so willing to let people read my stuff. Even still, I have moments of panic after hitting the "publish" button, wondering if people are going to think that I am boring, stupid and a talentless hack.

Last week I applied for a writing job. I had to submit writing samples and was TERRIFIED that they were no good. I sent them off to a few people to get some feedback, because I was so worried. Having gotten some positive feedback, I finally felt okay about it, and I submitted the samples. As you probably know, I didn't get the job. I was told that it went to someone with more experience than I had, and I was okay with that.

But today, I found out that the person they did hire is actually still in school. That pretty much means that the experience thing is a lie. I feel like a total idiot. This means that either this person is REALLY REALLY good, or that I REALLY REALLY suck. It has thrown me for a loop. I feel like maybe I've been kidding myself... maybe people have just been being polite all these years... maybe I should just give it up. Who knew my ego was so fragile!

But seriously... I feel like a dolt. I'm very confused... am I the little train that could? Should I just keep trying like I have been for the past 3 years, or do I just stop? I don't know, friends. I just don't know. All I do know is that I am so frustrated that I feel like crying, but I can't. Because there's no crying in baseball.

Maybe I just answered my own question.

Reunited and it feels so good...

Longtime readers of the Haps may recall when last year at around this time the President of the Universe came to visit us at work. At the time, Sheldon was all buddy-buddy with him and I totally made fun of him for it because I told him he was being too corporate. Turns out that he is totally REALLY in charge of the Internet now, but is thankfully not all that corporate after all. I hear he only wears suits on Thursdays. BUT I DIGRESS.

So today the President of the Universe returned to visit us again and suddenly it became very clear to me why people would want to be friends with this man. It is because he is very attractive. His hair is full of volume, he was wearing a suit without a tie, he swears and uses vaguely inappropriate language to describe situations and he has a lovely accent. Serious crush material.

Upon my arrival back at my desk, I sent Sheldon an email apologizing to him for making fun of him last year. Because I totally wish I was best friends with the President of the Universe too.

Forget you, Brosnan. There's a new man in town.

PS:

Dear Pierce Brosnan,

I totally did not mean that. It was merely a clever use of humour to illustrate that the President of the Universe is totally crush worthy. It in no way diminishes your hotness factor. Not even. So if you still want to get married, it is totally on. I still heart you.

Love and kisses,

Sarah

I'm back, baby. If George Costanza can do it, I sure as hell can.

After a day of hibernating and watching edited for television movies all day on the couch, I'm finally feeling better about things. When things are going really crappily in life, you just have to tell yourself that there is some sort of reason for it and try and learn something from it. (Oh crud... does that mean that I'm growing up? Frig. Like I really need to do that.)

It also helps to listen to the sweet sweet sounds of JT and practice the awesome dance moves that you may or may not have stolen from the finale of "So You Think You Can Dance" (and I totally CAN, btw) that you watched in the afternoon.

Basically what I'm saying is I'm back, bitches. And this time I'm bringing my A-game. It should be noted that My A-game is totally awesome.

the many signs that illustrate the fact that you have severely pissed off the cosmos.

It all starts out innocently enough. You are super emo about your career situation and right at that very moment you come across a job posting that you are seriously excited about. So you apply. Then you get an interview and it seems to go pretty well. 10 minutes after you get back to your office and are super stoked about the way things are going, your mom calls you at work to tell you that your grandpa died the night before and they didn't tell you right away because they didn't want to mess up your interview. You can't help but think that this surely has to be a sign of some sort, and that this job situation is not likely to turn out in your favour. But, you are trying to cheer yourself up about the supremely shitty news you just received, so you choose to be overly optimistic to compensate.

So then you work really hard on a project and when all is said and done, you are honestly pretty proud of your work. Half an hour after you hand it in and are feeling all proud and excited, your mom calls you again to give you the details about the funeral. Again, you think to yourself, "This can't be a good sign..." but you ignore it and carry on.

Then Friday comes and you are so happy that the weekend is almost here. All you have to do is get through the hugely stressful pile of work you have on your desk, and all will be good. By some crazy coincidence, you get a phone call telling you that your HERO is downstairs. (In my case, that is David Suzuki!) So you FREAK OUT and run downstairs to see him, only to become paralysed by nerves and standing at the top of the stairs having a mild panic attack. You have totally missed your chance to actually meet him, but you shrug it off and go back upstairs. About 15 mins later you are politely and diplomatically informed that you didn't get that job that you wanted so badly. You try to act cool and try not to be too bummed out about it, but you still kind of are. You finish the main portion of your work, and then realize that you still have a huge pile of work to do. It is the kind of work that makes you feel like a caged animal, and suddenly you feel like if one more minor thing goes wrong today you are seriously going to lose it. Just flat out start crying in the middle of the office. But you don't. You stay at work an extra hour to get this shit done ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

So you go shopping in the hopes that you can find something pretty to make you feel better, but you find nothing. All you really want to do at this point is have a friggin' beer and relax because this shit is beyond your control. But you don't. When you finally get home, you notice that there is a magazine left open on the coffee table. The article on the page is called "Why Mr. Right Can't Find You." I am not making this shit up.

So basically, I'm super grumptacular and have about a million reasons to be that way. Wah.

In other news, this blog is now apparently being written by a 13 year old girl who is totally into emo music. Good times all around.

I'm pretty sure February is going to be effing MINT after all this crap.

OMG!!!!!! OMG, I SAID!!!!!!!

You have no idea how excited I am right now. Upon my arrival at home today, I turned on the TV intending to find a random re-run of Friends or some crap to watch like I usually do. BUT THEN A MIRACLE HAPPENED.

I discovered that if I am able to get home before 5:30 I can totally watch Happy Days! HAPPY DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I caught the last 10 mins of the episode where Fonzie had an operation on his knee and refused to get of the couch because he couldn't walk and he didn't want people to think he wasn't cool. At one point he refused to talk to anyone other than Mrs. C because "he refuses to talk to anyone who doesn't want him to be cool". HAHAHA!





















This picture has been on my desktop on my laptop for about a year. I LOVE IT.

Growing up, I was mildly obsessed with this show. It was on every day after school, and it always made me laugh my face off. I can't wait to see more! So let this serve as a notice to my co-workers: If I push you out of the way while I'm running at the door, it's because Happy Days is on!

Gettin' on board...

Today is a very special day. So important that it ranks up there with Ash Wednesday and that awesome made up holiday that we get for no reason in August.

TODAY IS NEIL DIAMOND'S BIRTHDAY!

SO EXCITING!!!!!!!

I just found out that every year in Chicago this lady throws a Neil Diamond birthday party. I've never been so upset about not living in Chicago. I would SO be there! They eat birthday cake with his face on it!

I'll just have to improvise. Neil, I shall eat a vegan brownie in your honour. (Or something like that.)

I too appreciate your friendship.

Funny story. So I was on the phone at work the other day talking to my buddy about work-related issues. At the end of the conversation, this is what he said to me:

Buddy: "So I'll talk to you later, then."
Me: "Word up."
Buddy: "Okay. Love you, bye!"
Me: "Okay, bye!"

Approximately 30 seconds pass before I realize what just happened and say out loud, "Did he just say I love you??? HAHAHAHAHA!!"

Not one minute later, an email pops up in my inbox:

I'm pretty sure I just said I love you when I got off the phone... I guess I'm just used to it...

I then laugh out loud for 5 solid minutes before returning the email and trying not to mock him.

But then I told everyone to say "I love you" at the end of all conversations with him for all eternity. HAHAHAHA!

So friend, here's what I should have said:

Everybody does, I'm just that cool. You have great fashion sense. Bye!

An open letter to the new furnace in my house.

Dear New Furnace,

I know we've only been together for about 2 weeks and my mom says that I really need to give people a chance to prove themselves, but you are not a person. So screw that. Since you arrived on that cold day, you have given me nothing but grief. While you do have a super-capacity for pushing hot air, you seem unable to do so quietly. Every hour you start up again, and I have to turn up the volume on the television just to drown you out. Apparently, the great innovations in the furnace industry have TOTALLY MISSED YOU.

Granted, having to turn the tv up is but a minor inconvenience... but that is not my major issue with you. Every night when I am trying to sleep you RUMBLE awake and by doing so you wake ME up. Like at least 4 times a night. I might as well be sleeping in a damn wind tunnel. That is how loud you are. Plus, you make my room unbearably hot.

I am pretty much powerless in this situation because a) I can't close the vent in my room because it is old school, and b) I do not have access to heat controls. Basically, this whole thing is CRAP and I am turning into a zombie. All I want is some sleep!

I really don't think that there is a way for us to peacefully co-exist. I think we need to break up. In the meantime, I'll take some Robaxacet before bed tonight and maybe that will help me get some sleep.

Sincerely,

Sarah

PS: I hate you.

Oh George Michael, you are a crafty one...

Last week Craig, Mary and I were watching old music videos on youtube and came across this cinematic gem:



About 30 seconds into it, Craig yelled out, "HE IS SO GAY!!!!" We laughed about it, and as we watched more of the video, I began to wonder... HOW DID THEY NOT KNOW FOR SURE???? This video is pretty much solid proof of his incredible gayness. I mean, really... look at those shorts... look at those moves.

The more I thought about it, I finally realized why nobody 'officially' knew until that unfortunate bathroom incident. It is all because of this:



He might as well have been wearing a shirt that says "I love the ladies". As long as this video accompanied it, I never would have doubted it.

The point of this was basically for me to post George videos because I seriously love him. You didn't need to try and fool us, George. Nothing could ever take away from your musical awesomeness.

Sarah of the not-so-much-living.

I am so tired right now that I can barely stand it. I seriously have almost fallen asleep at my desk about 14 times today. Or possibly 41. Numbers don't really mean anything to me at this point. It seems like I can't sleep through the night anymore. I keep frigging waking up in the middle of the night. I'm really quite chuffed about it, because sleeping is like the one thing that I am good at. Like, scary good at. I have slept through minor earthquakes, the loudest of storms and that stupid Harry Potter movie (the first one, I think). SO WHY CAN'T I SLEEP AT NIGHT??? All I know is that I need to get a solid night of sleep very soon, otherwise I'm afraid something very terrible will happen...



Let's just say I won't need to take zombie lessons. I'll be fully qualified to teach that shit.

Me + Inappropriate jokes = True Love 4Ever

It is a well known fact amongst my peers that if you want to get me to really laugh about something, you have to take things to the limit. And by limit, I mean the boundaries of good taste. I much prefer the ones that are just on the verge... straddling the line, if you will. It's a hard thing to pull off, but when you do... magic happens.

Everyone knows the rules. There are certain people/things/circumstances that you are never supposed to joke about. Like citizens of third world countries, which is why the following story is so goddamn funny.

So today at lunch Bernie was explaining to Craig, Seb and I about how yesterday he was feeling too lazy to make a proper dinner for Platypus (who is the Jay to Bernie's Silent Bob... or is it vice versa? Who can say, really.) so he sent him home with frozen chili. We all laughed about it, because let's face it boys, the fact that Bernie is such a devoted mom is kind of hilarious. Until that point, I don't think Seb had realized that Bernie seriously cooks for Platypus every day. His reaction was amazing (please say this with a french accent, svp):

"What is this, World Vision? You sponsor that guy? Does he send you pictures every month? Write you letters? Dear Bernie, thank you for the food. I go to school now! It is all because of you."

I think Craig and I were laughing about that one for a good solid 10 mins. I nearly cried. It was the accent that really sold it though.

Frig. World Vision...HAHAHAHAHAHA!

That one's going in the hall of fame, for serious.

You've got to be kidding me...

So today has been quite an odd one already, and it's only 10:30am! I had a crappy sleep last night and have no idea why. It could be something to do with the fact that we have no control over the heat in our house and the landlords are trying to be nice by keeping it warm for us... but my room is like a flipping SAUNA when they do that. Or it could also have something to do with the ridiculously loud furnace. But who can say why, really...

So when I got up I looked out the window and it was snowing something fierce. I decided that since I walk/bus to work, that this was definitely going to be a snow boots and jeans day. But by the time I got to work, it was raining here and NOBODY else wore jeans. So I totally broke the rules all on my own. It always happens that way... when I stick it out and wear the not so warm not denim pants on a snow day and freeze my butt off, everyone else DOES wear them. Jerks.

Then I had bus problems... most of which involved waiting for the bus for a loooooong damn time, then getting stuck in traffic while on the bus. When I was on my second bus, the bus driver made a little announcement... "Hey, if you wouldn't mind, could everyone just have a look around for an unattended backpack? If you see it, don't touch it... but just let me know where it is." WTF???? At this point I'm thinking, "What the hell is this, Speed??" I kind of wished I had found it so I could have made a Keanu reference. Heh.

Also, I randomly started bleeding from my finger. Maybe this means I am one of the chosen ones? Cause that would be pretty ironic. I love this day.

Hypothetically speaking...

So lets say (just for fun) that it is Friday night. Maybe you got home around 10:30 at night... maybe you are slightly intoxicated... would anything be better than watching Harvey Birdman or Space Ghost? Ummmm... nope. Not really. But I hear that Bubba Ho Tep is pretty okay... though I seriously have no idea what that is. So ANYWAYS... what could be better than Space Ghost?



Being able to do this effing choreography, that's what. Shoot, I wouldn't be single if I could pull that off!

The one where everyone else's problems suddenly become MINE.

Actually, allow me to expand on the title a little bit. It should really say, "The one where everyone else's problems suddenly become MINE even though I don't give two craps about said problems because they are NOT mine."

Yes... that is a way better title.

So ANYWAYS... I've got some news. I'm finally starting to feel better today. That WAS awesome news this morning, but then stupid jerks had to get all up in my grill about crap and then it wasn't awesome any more. I love how vague I am being about it... especially since I am using my grade 4 swears to do so. I bet if I had a grade 4 diary page it would sound pretty much the same:

Today my teacher was mad at me because I skipped the last question in my math homework. It was too hard and I didn't feel like doing it. She is such a stupid jerk. Who gives a crap about long division anyways? I DON'T. Long division is for jerks. And then Suzie was mad at me because I told Phillip some stupid crap about her because he asked and then he was all grumpy about it because he didn't like the crap I told him. It's totally not my fault anyways. I don't give two craps about their stupid problems. I've got enough going on with this stupid long division stuff. I'm never going to make it to grade 6. Jerks. WHY DOES EVERYONE BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING????

Heh. Good times with Grade 4. Good times.

Do you really want to make me cry?

So yesterday, in an attempt to FREAK ME THE HELL OUT, Platypus brought something into my office. He put it on my desk, shoved it in my face and waved it around me. Honestly, it worked. It was perhaps the creepiest thing I have ever seen. I strongly suspect that it is still inside the building, and it is seriously freaking me out!!!!!! Do you want to see it? Okay, fine. You asked for it...

WARNING: Not suitable for... anyone really.



GOOD GOD, THAT THING IS TERRIFYING! IT IS A ROBOT CAT. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID ROBOT CAT. POSSIBLY THE WORST COMBINATION OF THINGS EVER. I HATE ROBOTS AND I HATE CATS. *shudder*

Seriously though... doesn't that thing just look like it's ready to turn on you at ANY SECOND??? Gives me the heebie jeebies. I actually just got the shivers from thinking about it. No joke.

On a positive note, I found this awesome clip while I was searching for the evil robot cat. It made me laugh because nothing is funnier than THE TRUTH.



I knew it! Documented proof of the evil ways of cats. I told you so.

Who needs a qualified physician anyways?

So I'm totally sick. I'm pretty sure it's a cold and not the flu, as per what the internet tells me. It kind of feels like my head is full of cotton... and I am a total mouth breather WHICH I HATE. Mouth breathers are so gross! Yuck.

So basically, my self-diagnosis is that I have a lame stupid cold, possibly with a slight fever. My prescription? More cowbell. And maybe some more NyQuil.




















Me too, Christopher Walken. Me too.

Just a little something to ponder...

I was just walking down the hallway and heard the following portion of a conversation:

"It's my birthday. 41 is the new 17, you know."

My first thought (which I didn't say) was, "Does this mean that 25 is the new zygote?"

So... is it?

'Cause if it is, then I am at about the right level of maturity. HEYYYY-OOOOOO!

Oh Happy Day... when Yo! What's the haps was born...

That's right kids, one year ago today I was just a girl with a dream. A dream of being a blogger. And I made that shit happen. Today is my blog-iversary! Woot! I am choosing to celebrate through the magic of dance! I'm bringing it waaaaaayyyyy back and would like to share with you some of my favourite videos. (You know you love it.)



I love doing this dance. I've gotten really good at it, yo!




Come on. This is a classic! This is pretty much what I look like when I get excited about things. LIKE MY BLOG-IVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll see you kids at the Max after class.

An open letter to January.

Dear January,

You used to be cool. What the frig happened? We have only been back together for 4 days, and you have made these 4 days COMPLETELY MISERABLE. You teased me by letting me win $40 at the casino after midnight and then you stole my joy. You stole my goddamn joy. So basically what I am saying here is that I am totally pissed at you right now. I am officially giving you 27 days to make it up to me. So get on that. Woo me, January. Make me love you again.

Sincerely,
Sarah

PS: It should be noted that I really like marshmallows, fancy jelly beans and shoes.

Now that's Konka tough. No, I didn't mean Tonka...

Being a whinypants has finally paid off. Due to my constant complaining about only having a 20 inch television, Platypus offered up his 27 inch tv, because he is inheriting Bernie's 14 bagillion inch tv. (Bernie is getting a newer 14 bagillion inch flat screen. Woot.) You would think that this is quite the score for me... so why have I been laughing my ass of about it all day?

Because it's a Konka.

I know what you are thinking. What the hell is a Konka?? Apparently Konka is the brand name of the finest in Chinese electronics. (Yeah... China isn't really known for it's electronics...) The entire time he was trying to sell me on the idea of owning a gently used Konka, he could not stop laughing. Neither could I. I am laughing my head off as I write this. Because Konka could not be any funnier if it tried. Just imagine for a minute that you own a Konka... these are the kind of conversations you could be having:

"Yo, what is up friend?"
"I just got a new tv."
"Oh yeah, what kind?"
"A Konka."
"A whatta?"
"A Konka. It's the finest in Chinese electronics."
"Good luck with that."
"Thanks, yo."

I have yet to determine whether or not the tv is actually descent, or if this is all just part of an elaborate plot to kill me because Platypus knows the damn thing is due to explode in about 3 months time. Oh well. Only time will tell... I will leave you with my favourite part of the sales pitch, courtesy of Platypus...

Me: (laughing) "But it's a Konka!"
Platypus: "Ummm... it's got a remote! Remotes are cool, huh? Plus you can scratch off the K and replace it with a T."

Well kid, you've got yourself a deal.

Taking back Tuesday.

Duuuuuuuuudes. Degrassi is so friggin harsh!!!!!

Craig came back with a coke addiction!!! Craig and Manny broke up!!! Craig and Ellie said they loved each other!!! Toby got beat up!!! Taking Back Sunday was on!!! NEXT WEEK A KID IS GOING TO GET KILLED!!!

This show is so goddamn intense. It just keeps on coming. And I love every minute of it. Except for the Craig and Ellie thing. I never liked them together. Ellie is so lame. Whatever, Ellie.

But seriously. A KID IS GOING TO GET KILLED. I wonder who it will be... dun dun dunnnnnnnn!

I can't friggin WAIT!

**UPDATE**

Psssssssst! So my sister and I have done some research and we are both pretty sure that JT is going to be the one who gets killed. THAT IS WAY FRIGGIN' HARSHER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE. That shit is insane, seriously. I hope it's not JT, but all signs point to him. Wah.

Lies and the lying liars who tell them.

So Dave told me this morning that things could really only get better today. Turns out that Dave tells vicious, vicious lies. It did not get better.

At lunch I heated up my lasagna like super hot, but when I got to the middle it was still totally frozen. Let me tell you, a mouthful of partially frozen lasagna is really not good times.

THEN I had a certain somebody call me stupid about 17 times in a row... and because I was so flustered by all the stupid crap I've had to deal with today, all I could come up with was, "I'm not stupid... you're stupid!" and variations on the same. Another good one was "Bu... I... you... ARRRRGH!!!!"

This day is the stupidest day EVER. I just went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea BECAUSE I DESERVED ONE, and I accidentally had the lid closed when I put it on. When I went to open the lid, SCALDING HOT TEA EXPLODED OUT OF THE CUP AND ON TO MY HANDS.

I hate you, Tuesday Jan 2nd, 2007. You can go bleepity-bleep yourself AND your uncle.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

OH, SNAP! IT'S 2007!

I thought it was all going so well when by 12:45am I had made a profit of $40 at the casino... and then this morning happened. My pants got soaking wet from the house to work journey this morning. Then my shoes were squishing. Then I found out that I made a mistake last week at work and it was a BIG mistake. HAHAHA! I LOVE YOU, 2007!

Frig. Like Dave said, things can only get better, right? Right?????? Oy.