Your mom goes to college.

Today was a stupid day. A day that made me feel stupid. So now I'm going home. I'm going home to do this:




There's nothing left for me to do but... DANCE! You know this boogie is for real.

Heck yeah.

Oh, grandma! You with your chocolate cake and your swearing...

My grandma sent this to me yesterday and I have been laughing about it ever since. Probably because if she drove, she would be likely to behave in a similar manner to the granny in this video.




Too damn funny. There is nothing better than swearing grandmas.

When I grow up, I want to be middle class!

Why middle class? So that I'm not so rich that people think I'm a snobby assface, but just wealthy enough to be able to afford things like TICKETS TO THE SASQUATCH FESTIVAL!!!!

It's too bad I'm still ghetto poor, and therefore will miss out yet again on a stellar lineup. Maybe I could still go anyways... OR MAYBE I COULD EAT DINNER EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. It's a tough call, really.

What a day, what a day...

This morning I woke up feeling crappy. Like, super crappy. But I never miss a day at work unless I'm completely DYING so I got up and got going. I convinced myself that this was going to be a good day NO MATTER WHAT. So I put on a song that gets me dancing every time...





There's nothing like a little 7am disco booty shake to get you going in the morning. I felt mighty real indeed.

When I got to the bus stop it was just before 8am. It was raining. I waited. And waited. Then waited some more. 4 full busses drove past my stop before I finally got on one. It was 9am by the time I got to work. IT IS TOTALLY NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE AN HOUR TO GET THERE. Grrrrr.

When I got to work and sat down at my desk, I suddenly got a harsh tummy ache. The curl up in a ball on the floor kind of tummy ache. I was not pleased. I went to a meeting and got a crapload of work dumped on me for this week. Again, I was not pleased. I got back to my desk and started doing the super crappy annoying stuff I had to get done before 10:30... then Craig called me and I realized that it was 10am and the Police tickets were on sale. So I panicked. I was freaking out because I was pretty sure that I had lost us our tickets... but then I found some. Then I bought them.

SO NOW I AM GOING TO SEE THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The seats are a little on the crappy side, but I don't friggin' care because the music is going to be awesome. I don't really need to see Sting and his silly little vest and no shirt getup anyways... and Stuart Copeland has always been the good looking one, but he has grey hair now so if it looks like they are the size of peas, then it's no big deal. I like peas.

It will never be the same again...

So last night while I was watching tv, I saw 2 commercials that really bothered me.

The first one was for Target. It was about makeup. The song featured in it was "A Little Bit More" by Jamie Lidell. JAMIE LIDELL!!! When did he go all mainstream on me? I kind of freaked out a little. I don't know why.

The second one was even more shocking and disturbing. Cesar Dog Food... which featured little dogs running around to... "I Think I Need A New Heart" by the Magnetic Fields! DOG FOOD!

What is going on here? My world doesn't make sense anymore.

I mean... DOG FOOD? If they were selling iPods I wouldn't even care. But DOG FOOD? That's just wacky.

Talk to me Harry Winston, tell me all about it.

I'm not really what you would call a "girly girl". I like wearing dresses and skirts on occasion, but I'm most happy wearing jeans and vans. That's just how I roll. That being said, there are certain things that turn me into a squealing, shrieking, ridiculously girly girl. Things like this:

















Ever since I saw Breakfast at Tiffany's, I (like every other girl who has ever seen it) have dreamt of one day getting something in one of those blue boxes. I don't even care what it is. Sterling silver telephone dialer? SURE. Silver plated speck of dirt? I'LL TAKE IT. There's just something about that box that makes me turn into an annoying child.

Today is Shirley's birthday. Her husband brought her gift to her at work. It was in a little blue box. A little blue box from Tiffany's. As soon as I saw the box I started freaking out, and was all, "OH MY GOD SHIRLEY! IT'S FROM TIFFANY'S!!! WHY AM I YELLING? IT'S NOT MY PRESENT! I'M SO EXCITED!!!" It was a gorgeous little necklace with just the right amount of sparkle. She's so friggin' lucky!


I'd settle for a ring pop if it came in a Tiffany box. One day... one sweet day...


PS:

Dear new version of Blogger,

Stop effing with my page layout when I add photos. It's really pissing me off.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Greetings, from the Health and Safety Committee! We hope you die.

Yesterday at work I received an odd little email forward about earthquake safety. Basically, it said that everything we have ever been taught to do in an earthquake is completely wrong and will most definitely get us killed. Instead of ducking and hiding under a table or a doorway, you are just supposed to duck beside a large piece of furniture. WTF? That doesn't sound like a good idea to me at all!

This is where things start to get a little silly. The person who sent this particular email sent it to EVERYONE in the whole building with a note that referred to this person being on the safety committee, therefore they would know what is good for us. So most of us read it and thought it was a little strange and didn't believe it at all. It seems funny to me that anyone would, honestly. So ANYWAYS... eventually some sassypants thought that it was probably a good idea to do some research on this theory and found this Red Cross rebuttal of the crazy claims. He also hit REPLY ALL... so everyone read it and it made the person who sent it look slightly ridiculous. SO FUNNY.

BUT THEN IT GOT EVEN FUNNIER. Someone else with even sassier pants hit REPLY ALL again... and asked but one question: "What qualifications do you need to be on the safety committee?" HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were about 2 more reply all's with sassy comments before it all finally got shut down by the office manager with a stern "Don't send this crap to everyone on the email list." and a "Don't hit reply all with your sassy comments."

These are the small joys of working in an office. I seriously just sit around and WAIT for stuff like this to happen. Gold. Pure gold. I can't wait to see what happens next.

The Bedouin bus stop.

I love the Cambie bus because it is WAYYYYYYYYYY less disgusting than my other transportation options going to and from work. (#8 Fraser, I'm looking at YOU...) But this whole construction business is throwing my commute into a tailspin! Why? Because they keep moving the damn bus stops.

It has been going on for months. It started up at King Ed, where they kept moving the bus stop down about 10 feet at a time, before finally settling on putting it one block away at 24th. Or so I thought. One morning, I got off my connecting bus only to discover that there was no more bus stop there... I had to walk all the way down to 18th. It was total bullcrap. After a week of trekking all the way down the street, I noticed that they had actually moved it to the other side of King Ed, behind some large trees on the boulevard. Jerks.

As soon as I had finally made peace with the situation, they started effing with my shit AGAIN. This time, it was at Broadway. They moved it to the middle of the road, back again, back to the middle of the road, and the yesterday it was just... gone. Vanished. Who knows what the hell they did with it. According to Rob, if one is taking the #15 from downtown and wishes to get off anywhere from the bridge to Broadway, it ain't gonna happen. Once you cross the bridge, your ass ain't going nowhere until 10th, where they stop the bus in the middle of the road and you jump off at an unmarked stop. WHAT THE FRIG???

So now I have to walk up the road and find my mystery bus stop. No matter how annoying it may be, it's not nearly as annoying as riding the #8 with the hobo crazies who like to stomp on your feet when you are wearing sandals and totally not even apologize leaving you to hold in the pain and not say anything because that stupid whore is DRUNK and you know she will have no problem with knifing you. Stupid flipping cow. I was so close to hitting her in the goddamn face.

So ANYWAYS... I'm still taking the Cambie. GOOD TIMES!

These landlords must be on to something...

Looking for a place to rent is bloody annoying. Everything is too goddamn expensive. Then, when you find something fairly decent sounding that does not cost $1 billion a month in rent, two little letters pop up in the ad that RUIN EVERYTHING.

N/P.

I freaking hate N/P! N/P is ruining my life! Lydia has two cats... which classify as P's... therefore SCREWING US OVER WITH THE N/P POLICY! I am not the biggest fan of said P's, but I don't think it's fair that they be subjected to racial profiling (THE CAT RACE...) when they are just trying to find a place to live in a neighborhood that is closer to the cute boys... erm... the grocery stores and convenient bus routes. Yes... that's it...

So, if you happen to become aware of a cute place that is cheap, large and the landlords are all, "Dude, we are totally all about the P's." then please, let me know.

Until then, I will try to come to terms with my feelings of resentment towards the P's in question.

It is Wednesday! Regular old Wednesday!

You may remember that last year on this particular date, I chose to not celebrate lurve with the masses of consumers and instead celebrated my own festival... the festival of swearing! I really got into it last year and made no effort whatsoever to bring joy and love into people's hearts. Instead, I swore at them. Oh, don't worry. I wasn't mean about it. It was just your pleasant-type swearing... things like "Happy Valentines Day to you too, fuckwad." and "Happy fucking Valentines Day!"

Alas, this year since I was soooooooooo busy up in this place of employment I didn't get enough interaction with people to really take it to the swearing limit. So instead I brought homemade cookies and stuck them in the lunchroom. I did so kind of anonymously... that way when people take the cookies they will be all, "Wow, these are from someone who really gives a crap..." but since they don't know it is me they won't think I give a crap! Which is good, because I don't. It's pretty much the perfect plan. It's not as awesome as the swearing festival... but it's something. This year, I ended up using the phrase "Shoot, this is a frigging load of bullcrap!" over and over again. Now that I think about it, that's actually way funnier! Heh.

I have big plans tonight... I'm going GROCERY SHOPPING... likely followed by COOKING MY OWN DAMN DINNER... and then a little bit of DOING LAUNDRY. And then maybe yoga. FUN TIMES. But at least it's cheap. HA!

If only I had laser eyes... then I wouldn't have to wait in line to heat my lunch.

I've become so used to having a microwave in the lunchroom at work that it almost never occurs to me to take something for lunch that doesn't need to be heated up. I usually end up eating leftovers from the night before... and I'm totally okay with that. But now I think I have to re-think my whole POA for lunches... why?

Because Craig keeps breaking the dang microwave.

Yesterday Dave and I were waiting patiently for our turns heating up our food... I was pretty stoked about my lunch because it was potatoes and stuffing! Craig took his food out... Dave put his food in and closed the door... and then it died. We got no love from the microwave. So we had to buy lunch, and both of us pouted all the way through it.

Today I was lucky. I got downstairs BEFORE Craig did... so my food was a-ok. But then he came down... cooked his food... and then it died. Again.

Obviously his lunches are just too intense for our ghetto microwave to handle. But I bet they are delicious.

I think we need to develop a system. I'll bring sandwiches on Craig's hot lunch days and
vice-versa. That way, we are both happy. As for everyone else... that's their own damn problem.

I can see clearly now... well, clear-ish.

This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror and something seemed odd. My right eye was all wonky and I seriously could not see the pupil of my right eye in my reflection. It kind of freaked me out a little. But I left for work anyways. By the time I had gotten to the bus stop, I was seeing an aura. Basically like tunnel vision with squiggly lines around the bit that you actually can see. It was at this point that I started to panic. I started to think that I was having a stroke... so when the left side of my face started to get tingly and numb I kind of freaked out.

But then I got off the bus and my eyes were getting better and I started to feel some serious tension in my neck. So I calmed down a bit. Even though this has happened to me a bunch of times before, I still freak out every time it happens. It's not a stroke at all... it's a migraine without the headache. I need to learn how to relax.

Better than coffee!

When I got to work this morning, I checked my email. This is what I found in there...

Friends, meet Ella. She is the most gorgeous little baby girl EVER. She grunts a lot when I am on the phone with her mommy and when she smiles it is the funniest thing in the world. Since she is only about 2 months old and is already hilarious, I just thought I should warn my fellow bloggers that you have about 10 years to write away before she finishes grade 5 and blows us all out of the water.

Plus, she already loves Dirty Dancing so we don't have to worry about whether or not she will fit in. (SHE TOTALLY ALREADY DOES.)

If this doesn't spike an increase in readership, I don't know what will.

AWWWWWWWWW, BABIES!

Bright light city gonna set my soul, gonna set my soul on fire.

Holy crap. I am so friggin excited that I can barely stand it. BARELY!!!! I am going on my first vacation since the summer of 2002!! It's going to be a short one, but goddamnit, it'll be a good one.

I'M GOING TO VEGAS, BABY, VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!

















IT WILL LOOK JUST LIKE THIS!!!!

















MAYBE I WILL MEET THE FLYING ELVISES!!!!!

OR MAYBE I WILL JUST GET DRUNK!!!! I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!

But seriously. It is going to be super awesome to the extreme for real. I can't stop thinking about all the crap I get to buy BEFORE I leave. Like luggage. I don't have any. That will be cool. And possibly contact lenses. WHO KNOWS!

The only crappy part about it is that when I come home, I won't be able to tell you about it. Apparently there is some rule about that... anyone heard anything about that? I'll have to google it.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: Dear travel mates,

You probably should have realized that when you asked me to come with you, that meant that you will be forced to listen to me sing "Viva Las Vegas" about a thousand times before we leave. (300 of those times will probably be on the plane ride there.) I just thought you should know.

Sincerely,
Sarah

And I raaaaaaan... I ran in the same plaaaaaace...

... because I was on a treadmill. I'm telling you, A Flock of Seagulls has got nothing on me. I can totally run better than them. Had I not been on a treadmill, I totally would have ended up "so far away". Two miles away, actually. It was actually pretty fun, jogging away and rocking out to my sweet music. UNTIL THE 30 SECONDS LATER WHEN THE FREAKING HEADPHONES FALL OUT OF YOUR EARS.

You see, I have an mp3 player. It looks like this:

I didn't buy it. It came for free with my computer. Minor details. HOWEVER, please note the crappy-ass headphones that come with it. They are earbuds. EARBUDS THAT DO NOT STAY IN MY EARS.

Every day when I am on the bus, I have to shove them back into my ears about 17 million times. Yesterday when I was running, I had to shove them back into my ears about 17 million times. This is becoming a very annoying situation for me. But I don't want to buy new headphones that are NOT earbuds... because they will be big. I think that having headphones that a bigger than my actual music player is totally dumb. Plus they will need to fit in the designated music pocket in my work bag, and if the headphones are larger they will not fit.

So, come on then. What's a girl to do? I need answers. Give them to me.

The problem with parents watching cable tv.

Yesterday at work, I saw the most amusing thing. THREE TIMES. Here is the story.

One of the dudes I work with came walking around the corner where my office is. He is definitely a Dad type. Who knows how old he actually is, but lets just say he is way the heck older than I am. Just keep imagining what this would be like if it was your Dad. ANYWAYS, so he comes walking around the corner, and he was singing something very softly. At first all I could make out was "California... dadadadaaaaa" then when he got closer to my door, I distinctly heard "In the citaaaaayyyyyyyyyy, city of Compton..."

HE WAS SINGING 2-PAC. I almost died a little. It was so great.

And then it happened two more times in the afternoon. How a Dad ends up singing California Love by 2-Pac, I don't know. But I'm sure glad he did. Dads are crazy!

The Great Debate...

There's a lot going on in the world right now, and I could write several essays on how I feel about the important issues at hand. You know, things like global warming, impending earthquakes, the bloody awful traffic in this city, etc. But what am I thinking about right now?

Whether or not I should stay up until 11pm tonight to watch the InStyle Celebrity Weddings special on TV. On the one hand, I am feeling tired and not 100% well, so the extra sleep would be a good idea. On the other hand... I am nosy and I want to judge whether or not that Doritos girl has bad taste. (I bet she DOESN'T, but whatever.)

This is the kind of thing I worry about all day. It's quite a pickle, isn't it? What would Stephen Harper do? (WWSHD?)

5 bucks says he'd watch it live WHILE PVRing it so he can watch it again 3 days in a row. But who am I to judge? I just might do the same.

If only Canadian Idol was based on team spirit...

There are very few situations that could possibly occur in life that would make me agree to get out of bed at 5:30am on a Sunday morning. Except Canadian Idol auditions.

Oh, Amanda and Dani laughed their faces off when I got into the car with a blanket and pillow, but whose ass was not sore after sitting on the floor for 17 hours? (Or was it only 4? 5? I seriously have no concept of how long we were there for.) It was one of the most amusing experiences ever. You walk into a deserted mall, where 25 security guards point and show you where to go. Then you get in line. And then you wait. You wait for a long time. But it doesn't really seem like that long, because while you are waiting there are 13 tone deaf teenagers singing along to their ipods just for your enjoyment.

If you happen to be a member of Team Dani, you pass much of the time mocking people. Like the crazy lady who was wearing the giant BLINGED OUT microphone necklace on the fat chain. I was wishing I was closer to her in the lineup so I could hear what she was saying. In my mind, she was reminiscing about the good ol' days in Compton and how exhausted she was because she just flew into town after a night of cavorting with the G-Unit crew. It was super fun times because they drank Cristal and had money fights! Good times.

Unfortunately for Team Dani, our day was cut short at 10am because the judges wouldn't know talent if it punched them right in the babymaker. Sadly, Amanda and I didn't get the chance to yell at the cameras and cause a scene about it. *sigh* S'cool though, because word on the street is that we are going back next year! WOOT. I would gladly get up that early for you again, my dear.

Hey South Florida, kiss my grits!

Suddenly I am totally jealous of anyone and everyone that is at the Super Bowl. I have never been so pissed off about missing a sporting event. But I could seriously care less about the damn football game.

It's all about the Prince.

I watched the halftime show and got TOTALLY JEALOUS because I just can't shake the feeling that had I been at that game, my life would have been forever changed. How many people can say that they saw Prince singing Purple Rain... IN THE GODDAMN RAIN.

*sigh* Maybe it could still happen to me? Sure it can.

Can't Lose! (I really, really can't.)

Everyone else is doing it, so why not? This will be amusing to me just because I have really nerdy music on my mp3 Player. (Yeah. I kick it old school. No ipods for me!)

1. Put your iPod, or music player of your choice, on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question

What does this year have in store for me? My Sweet Lord - George Harrison (Looks like I'm all booked up on Sundays now...)

What does your love life look like? When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys (saucy!)

What do I say when life gets hard? Maneater - Nelly Furtado

What do I think of when I get up in the morning? Your Woman - White Town

What song will I dance to at my wedding? Allison - Elvis Costello

What do you want as a career? I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys (I love choreography!)

Your favorite saying? Holly Holy - Neil Diamond (More like "Holy crud!" but whatevs.)

Favorite place? Galang - MIA

What do you think of your parents? What is Life - George Harrison (Because I love them to bits.)

Where would you go on a first date? Hasn't Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo (Okay, that's funny!)

Drug of choice? Cherry Cherry - Neil Diamond

Describe yourself? Lovely Day - Bill Withers

What is the thing I like doing most? Touch The Sky - Kanye West (I'm a go getter.)

The song that best describes the president? Jumpin' Jack Flash - Rolling Stones (because he loves gas, gas, gas?)

What is my state of mind like at the moment? Alternative to Love - Brendan Benson (HA!)

How will I die? Carry On My Wayward Son - Kansas (I ain't going nowhere, bitches!)

The song that will be played at your funeral? Song Sung Blue - Neil Diamond

The song you'll put as the subject? Can't Lose - We Are Scientists

GOOD TIMES.