Goodbye, old friend.

I got a text from my friend early this morning. Her dog had passed away last night. She thanked me for being a friend to her little dog and said that she was planning a funeral for him.

I spent lots of time with that little guy. He hated bicycles and would bark his face off at every passing cyclist. We would get kind of embarrassed by his freak outs, so we would tell people that he was just thanking them rather enthusiastically for being so kind to the environment. It was hilarious.

I'll admit, I thought it was a bit strange at first, when I read that she was planning a funeral for a dog. But then I remembered what it was like when my dog Ebony died. I was in college and was home alone, enjoying my first day of my month-long Christmas vacation. I was wrapping presents in the den when she came walking in. She whimpered, and I looked up at her. She looked at me with big, scared eyes and started wheezing. I grabbed her face and asked her if she was okay, as if she was going to be able to answer me. She started to wobble, so I grabbed her body in a hug. She collapsed in my arms. I panicked and ran around the house, looking for the phone. I needed to call the vet. I couldn't find it.

Ebony came wandering into the living room behind me. She suddenly seemed fine. I started to calm down. But then it happened again. She tried to get up and walk to me, but she couldn't stand. She was too heavy for me to carry her all by myself. I found the phone and called the vet. They told me to bring her in right away. I didn't have a car. I ran to the house across the street for help. They came over and helped me pick her up and drove us to the vet. They rushed her inside. 5 minutes later, they took me into a room and told me that she had died. I managed to make it out to the waiting room before I started sobbing.

I cried when I called my Mom at work to tell her. I cried when I called my Dad. I cried while I sat on the sofa waiting for them to come home. It was probably one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I cried harder for that dog than I had ever cried for any person I had known in my whole life.

But she was a dog, so we didn't have a funeral for her. It seems weird that we didn't, considering that she was such a huge part of our lives. When you think about it that way, it doesn't seem so strange to pamper them in the way that we do. We do it because we love them. Because they are offer us what no one else can. Absolutely unconditional love.

Goodbye, old friend. We'll miss you.

Too much.

I think I have too much stuff.

About two or three times a year I go through my closet and get rid of a bunch of things I don't wear and don't need anymore. It's a pain in the butt to go through everything and I end up creating a huge mess in the process, but when it's finally done it feels pretty great. I'm left with a better organized space and it feels kind of great to get rid of things I don't absolutely love.

But that's only clothes. I still manage to accumulate piles and piles of random things. Things that people give me, and therefore don't want to throw away. Things that I feel some sort of weird emotional attachment to for no apparent reason. These things are harder to get rid of. I'm not sure why.

For clothes, I have rules that I follow in the purging process. If I haven't worn it in a year, it goes. If I have never EVER worn it, it goes. If it doesn't fit right, it goes. But I don't have rules like this to apply to my other things. It's just... stuff. What are the rules for getting rid of random stuff? How do I figure out what to keep and what not to keep?

Going, going, going, going...

ALL DAY LONG. Going here and there and everywhere. In the pouring rain. Walking, walking, talking, talking, more walking. Wandering around, not knowing what you want. Seeing things but not wanting any of it. Wandering, wandering. Wanting to sleep. It's so dark out. It's so early.

Goodnight.

Things I learned this week.

I learned that I'm getting older. Consequently, so is my body.

Maybe I shouldn't participate in what I called "lo-fi acrobatics". (There's a reason they told you never to jump on the bed. You really can hurt yourself.) Maybe I shouldn't stay out until 1am in the middle of the week. Maybe I can't just eat whatever I want. Because I'll get hurt, I'll get tired and I'll get fat.

But my spirit isn't getting older, so fuck that shit. If you need me, I'll be over here jumping on the bed at midnight on a Tuesday whilst eating cookies. Then I'm going to fall asleep in my pillow fort. SO SUCK ON THAT, 28 YEAR OLD BODY.

A post is a post!

I am VERY tired, after staying out way too late at the Hidden Cameras show. WOOOOO! ACTING MY AGE!!!!

Anyway, I thought I would mention to you lovely people that I have some Google Wave invites. Want one? You can have one! Either leave me your email address in the comments, or send me an email and tell me you want one. Happy waving and whatnot!

Going out.

I'm going out. Tonight. On a school night. To a show. That starts at 9:30. In the PM. That's my bed time. Concert organizers are jerks.

Whoa.

FACT: Competition chili has NO BEANS in it.

Beans qualify as filler, and there must be NO FILLER in competition chili.

I discovered this today, at a chili lunch fundraiser thingy at work. It was weird, because I had never encountered chili without beans before. In fact, when I make chili, I put TWO kinds of beans in it. So, if there are no beans in competition chili, what is in there?

Meat. 7 different kinds of meat. Also, some onions and like, red peppers or something. But mainly meat.

In a related story, I think I'm dying. From too much meat. Ohhhhhhhhhh.

AWWW CRAP.

So I had written a little thing for yesterday and I saved it as a draft and FORGOT TO PUBLISH IT. So I suppose this means that I have officially buggered up NaBloPoMo? SHIT!

I will probably post it later anyways. Using some sort of trickery. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Today I woke up feeling under the weather. Normally when I feel like that, I just push on and go to work anyways. But today I decided to listen to my body and so I stayed home. I'm all achey and headachey and blah. I think I just need to relax and sleep and drink tea. So that is what I will do.

THUG LIFE, BITCHES.

I fell into the trap.

I am not a huge fan of the Christmas thing. I find the whole lead up to the day to be very stressful. Everything is hurried, you rush everywhere, you worry about finding the exact right gifts for everyone, you can't find what you are looking for, there are people everywhere ALL THE TIME. It is not a fun time for nervous girls like me.

I normally try to hold off as long as possible on getting into it. I've always thought that I need to hold off until December 1st. It just seems downright silly to start thinking about it until then. But this year, I caved.

Yesterday, I bought eggnog. I KNOW, RIGHT? But here's the thing. It is ORGANIC. I'd never seen organic eggnog before. I picked it up to look at it, and found myself imagining drinking a homemade eggnog latte at breakfast. That was it. I was SOLD.

I made the latte this morning and OH MY GOD. It was divine. The most delicious coffee ever in time. I don't even care about being sucked into liking this Christmas stuff. It's totally worth it.

YUMMMMMMMMMMMMS.

For crying out loud.

I tend to write and joke a lot about crying. The truth is, I don't actually cry all that often. Sure, I often feel like I want to or am going to cry, but I don't really actually do it. Every so often, though, it does happen. And when it does, boy does it ever happen.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I felt it stirring up inside me right before I left work. It was about something that most people would think to be stupid. A non-issue. But I had been slowly getting worked up over it for two days. I could feel the tears coming as I walked down the street to the train station, but I shoved them back down. I felt them rise up into my throat again as I stood under my umbrella in the pouring rain, waiting for the bus. I managed to fight them off again. As I walked closer to my house, they came back. This time they were stronger. After checking the mail and finding nothing there to lift my spirits, it started to spill out. My eyes welled up and I ran down the steps and around to my door. I barely managed to get the door shut behind me before I was full on SOBBING.

It lasted for about 10 minutes. A good, hard, gasping for air, UGLY cry. Then it just stopped. So I took a picture of my tear-stained face and saved it away for later. It was a weird thing to do. But I just felt like I needed to do it. Not two minutes later, my phone rang. It was my Mom. I swear, the woman has radar. She always knows when to call. I talked to her for awhile, made some dinner and then went to bed. I slept for ages.

I woke up this morning, and pulled up the crying photo. I burst out laughing at the sight of my sad little face. It was so silly and kind of adorable. So I guess it wasn't such a weird thing to do after all.

I've been smiling ever since.

One small thing.

One small thing can turn into a much bigger thing, if you let it.

I let it.

I got really worked up about a grammatical error in an email. It made me so mad. It was completely irrational. Getting so annoyed about this one thing caused me to get annoyed about several other situations, probably just because I had decided to bathe in this negative energy I had been collecting.

So when the other small problems popped up, I was ill equipped to handle them and allowed those to be a bigger deal than they should have been.

And now I'm sitting here, all tensed up, on the verge of a headache and feeling like I might throw up.

I need to learn how to not care so much about the stupid things. It would be so much more pleasant to be able to live like that. *insert smiley face here*

I got the (social) skills to pay the bills.

Okay. So, Facebook. It's kind of annoying, right? And maybe sometimes you're like, "I am so going to quit this shit. YESTERDAY." But you don't, because you sort of feel like you need it to communicate with people. But you keep thinking that it's kind of stupid.

But then, one day someone awesome sends you a friend request. You get really excited. You feel super important. Mostly because you never get friend requests. So you talk about it a little in a public forum. People see it. Then you get more friend requests. And more. And even more. Eleven, to be exact.

Eleven. In one day. And you feel awesome about it, because eleven people think you are cool enough to be their friend.

I think this pretty much makes up for the entire 5 years of high school.

Internet, I love you.

The Internet is a wonderful place. It is full of awesome things made by awesome people. It is also full of crap made by jerks. But mostly awesome stuff.

It is where I have found people that like the same things I like, hate the same things I hate, get excited about the same things I get excited about, get annoyed by the same things I get annoyed by.

It is also where I find recipes and instructions for folding origami creatures. So, you know. Awesome.

My horoscope for today.

A much larger wave of emotion than you had expected washes over you, and you should find that your friends and family are there to support you -- though almost certainly not in the way you expect.

So it sounds like that's going to be pretty fun.

America!

I went to America today. It was great. Though I was pretty bummed out about not finding any clothes at Target (or anywhere, for that matter). I was, however, very pleased at some new cowboy boots, yummy food things from Trader Joes and a ridiculously awesome plaid trooper hat. I AM SO CANADIAN WITH THIS HAT.

This hat which I purchased in America.

Whatevs.

A strange thing.

Sometimes when I'm getting ready in the morning, I'll see myself in the mirror in my underwear and I'll think to myself, "Hey, not bad."

But then I put on my clothes and I think to myself, "Hey, maybe we could lose a few pounds. Like say, 30."

What is THAT about? It's strange.

TWO IN ONE DAY!

This one is just to tell you that I. CAN. NOT. STOP. LAUGHING.

Everything is funny this afternoon. I love it. I love it so hard.

Have a great Friday, kids.

Smiling makes me smile.

I fully expected to be a grumpy ol' jerkface today, as today is my jobiversary. 4 years ago, I started here. As this day approached, I started to think about my career path and what I'm doing and where I'm going and why I'm doing it and blah blah blah. I started to get anxious. Also, it is Friday the 13th and I dropped my bagel on the floor this morning. I took this as a sign.

But then something great happened. Two people went out of their way to tell me that I had made them smile and laugh today. Do you know how awesome that is? It is my favourite feeling in the whole world.

So it doesn't really matter that I've been at the same job for 4 years. Clearly, I'm doing something right in life.

Something to look forward to.

It's very easy to be grumpy these days. Stuck in the dark all day, rarely seeing the sun. Everyone around you is feeling the same way, so you all just feed each other that delicious negative energy. And you eat it up, greedily. You can't seem to get enough of it sometimes.

This is why the little joys in life are so important. You need to have something to look forward to. One tiny little thing that makes you happy.

For me, it is my mailbox. I have been informed that someone awesome is sending me a package soon. Even though I know it won't be there right away, checking my mailbox will be my favourite part of my day until it arrives. Because for those moments right before I walk up the front stairs, I will be SO EXCITED. SO HOPEFUL. And even when I see that it's not there, I'll feel that way again when I think to myself, "Maybe tomorrow!"

It's going to be so great when it's finally here. I really love mail.

Remembrance.

Today is Remembrance Day, which means having a day off. Normally, I'm all, "WOOO! DAY OFF!" but not today. I always feel a little weird about making plans for this day. I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to have fun today. I'm supposed to remember.

I usually just end up using this as a day for staying home and thinking. Quietly reflecting about life and stuff.

I'm sure by the end of all this reflecting, I'll need my mom.

This space for rent.

I am kind of the greatest friend ever, because I looked past my annoyance of Twitter marketing to help out Lydia with a thing. I tweeted about this contest, which I actually think is kind of cool.

It would be pretty awesome if one of my Internet buddies won it, because they could come here and visit me. So maybe you should enter. And maybe we can drink tea together. And maybe Lydia has turned me into some kind of corporate marketing monster. ROARRRRRRRRR.

Making friends is difficult.

If you take the train here in the morning, you will run into at least three different people at the entrance/exit to the train station all of whom are offering you a different free newspaper. I hate reading the newspaper. Mostly because the ink always gets on my fingers and I hate the way it feels. Also because I get really annoyed when the articles are on page A4 and then they are continued on E7 and then you are like, "Where the fuck is E7?" Then you find E7 and there's only like half a paragraph left anyways and it makes me mad that there is a whole page just dedicated to finishing up stories because why didn't they just finish the story on the next page? It is like the newspaper business is immune to logic or something. I DIGRESS.

So anyways, when I leave the train in the morning I always see the same old man. His name tag says Saul. Saul is likely nearing 80 years old, but he stands outside EVERY morning quietly asking everyone if they would like a paper. He is quite possibly the most adorable man on the planet. I want him to be my friend. I want to go to a diner with him and drink coffee while he tells me ridiculous stories. I want him to give me tips about life.

But it can never happen. Because I can never take a paper from Saul. He'll see it in my eyes. He'll know that I hate reading the newspaper. He'll know that it's a pity paper, and he will never want to hang out with me after that.

It's a shame, because I think Saul and I would get along really well. We could talk about brown pants and running shoes, since I already know that he is a fan of that look.

One week.

I've made it through week one of NaBloPoMo! WORD UP.

The first bit of the week was pretty easy, because I came up with some writing prompts to use. It's something I've never really done before, but I quite enjoyed it. Once I had the idea, I was able to sit down and write 4 posts easily. NO PROBLEM. It felt pretty great.

Sometimes I need to stop thinking so much about what qualifies as content, and just tell you what I want to tell you. Today I want to tell you about a sandwich. A magical sandwich. From Finch's.

It was made on a fresh baguette and had sliced pear with blue brie, prosciutto and toasted walnuts, drizzled with balsamic and olive oil. IT WAS AMAZING. With each bite of this sandwich, I kept wondering why I had ever bothered to eat any other sandwich in my life. Why would I ever eat a sandwich on stupid regular bread? With stupid regular cheese? WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN PUTTING WALNUTS ON THEM?

I think I may have moved up into a whole new sandwich bracket. This could be trouble, friends. Big trouble. Delicious, delicious trouble.

Rituals

We all have little rituals that we perform (often daily) in order to keep ourselves sane. These little things make us feel like ourselves. I have one that I perform every week. I get a little sad when I miss it, even though missing it usually means that I'm off doing something awesome.

I spend my Saturday mornings exactly the same way, week after week. I look SO forward to doing it, even though it's nothing super special. I get out of bed around 9:30 or 10. I head to the giant chair and turn on the TV for a bit. I make myself a large vanilla soy latte, which I put into my favourite mug. (It's huge and was one of Lydia's. It came from La Senza, and I've been using it for tea and coffee since before I even lived here.) I turn on the W Network and watch whatever chick movie they happen to be playing that morning. (Last week was something with Amanda Bynes. DO NOT JUDGE ME.) I usually also eat some toast for breakfast.

Even if I think the movie is stupid, I still sit there and watch it. There is just something about the act of drinking THAT coffee out of THAT mug while watching THAT channel that makes me feel like... me. I never feel more at home than I do in those first few hours on Saturday morning.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a latte to make.

Ah-HA!

This past week has been HORRIBLE. I haven't been feeling so great. I've had crazy neck and back pain all week, which has lead to headaches and miserableness. But even before the neck pain started, I felt SO TIRED. Just completely physically drained. I couldn't understand why, because I had been sleeping fairly well. I just didn't feel like myself.

Today, it hit me. The time change always fucks with me a little bit. It often takes me a week or two to adjust. The fall one seems to be a little different, though. When I get up in the morning, it's dark out. It's light out on my way to work. In the office, we don't have overhead lights turned on, so it is really dark in there. On dark and rainy days, it is like working in a cave for 8 hours. Then I leave work in the dark. I've lived my entire week in the dark. I am pretty sure this is why I'm miserable.

I'm thinking about trying light therapy. The lights are a bit expensive, but I found some portable ones online from Target for a bit cheaper. I'm willing to give it a shot, because it's better than being a mopey old jerk for the next 6 months.

If you've tried light therapy, let me know. I'm interested to hear what you think of it. Or maybe you have other things that help you get through the winter blahs?

*sigh*

The things she could not live without.

The things she could not live without:

• her espresso machine


• hugs


• smiles from strangers


• making you laugh


• sleeping


• seeing your face


• Kid A by Radiohead


• real friends


• imaginary friends


• her iPhone


• seeing your smiling face

(Inspired by some postcards I bought at The Regional Assembly of Text.)

The things she loved.

The things she loved:

• Saturday morning coffee in her pjs


• movies about dancing


• the quiet moments right before she falls asleep


• brand new pens


• new shoes


• getting surprises in the mail


• science!
  

(Inspired by some postcards I bought at The Regional Assembly of Text.)

The things she hated.

The things she hated:

• waiting


• thinking about money


• cold water in the bathtub


• the taste of vitamin C tablets


• earaches


• being tired


• when Word automatically changes the font


• LOUD NOISES!


• spiders

(Inspired by some postcards I bought at The Regional Assembly of Text.)

The things she liked.

The things she liked:

• pancakes for dinner
  
• grape soda


• seeing new emails in her inbox


• hearing leaves crunch under her feet


• spinning around in circles in the sunlight


• the smell of freshly baked bread

(Inspired by some postcards I bought at The Regional Assembly of Text.)

NaBloPoMo, bitches!

Happy November, jerks! You know what that means... it is National Blog Posting Month. I've never taken part in this before, but I was thinking about it yesterday and I'm kind of sad about what has become of this space. I've been spending most of my time creating other kinds of content in other places, and therefore have let my writing here fall off. So I'm trying to kick myself in the butt and see if I can get back into the swing of things.

I shall be attempting to post once per day for the entire month of November. This doesn't seem like such a difficult thing to do, but sometimes you just feel like you have nothing to write about. I'm going to try to fix that. There's ALWAYS something to write about. I can write about having nothing to write about. WHOA. Meta.

Anyways, I'm excited about being back here. Let's see how this goes. Hopefully I don't muck it up.

Until tomorrow...