Another year.

I am not super sad to put this year behind me. There have been some massive changes in my life over the past 12 months. As horrible as some of it was, (and still kind of is) I'd be lying if I said it had all been bad. I got to meet some fantastic people this year and I am so happy for that. My life is 10 thousand times more often because I know these awesome folks.

Change is necessary and good. I'm sure that when my life is sorted out again, I'll be glad for having gone through this. I can only hope that I'll come out of this situation as a smarter, stronger person. So there you go. Smell ya later, 2010.

I love you and your ice cream, Galen Weston.

Okay. So it is no secret that I love Galen Weston. But that has nothing to do with this. I just really need to tell you about something. I am NOT a Christmas person. People usually attempt to insult me by calling me names like "Scrooge" or "Grinch". (I know. HARSH DISS.) But this ice cream? THIS MAGICAL, DELICIOUS ICE CREAM??? It makes me like Christmas. For serious, y'all. GET IT. EAT IT ALL. GET SOME MORE. REPEAT.

So good.

Hire me!

I don't know what it is about the Christmas season, but it has lit a fire under my butt. I am straight up DETERMINED to find a job for January. Let's make this happen! (Why hello there, future employer. How are you doing today?)

When I was 20, I left a well paying job with the government in order to attend broadcasting school full time. It was the best thing I ever did. Being that I've been unemployed for a few months, you might think I feel differently about my education, but that's not the case. I really feel that doing what I have done so far in my career has given me a lot of varied experience, which I think is really great. I've done so many different kinds of things. I've written scripts for radio ads, imaging, written and produced documentaries and features, worked with sales contracts, worked in an ad traffic department, worked in a creative department, learned about social networking through my own experiences, guest posted on other blogs, written how-to articles, advice pieces, longer narratives, had a tweet published in a book, and a million other things that are on my resume. That's a lot of awesome stuff.

I am amazing and I know how to do things. There's no reason for me to be unemployed. BRB gotta go find a job!

Hello, blog!

I suppose it must seem odd to some of you that I am unemployed, yet I barely post here anymore. I have been having trouble coming up with things to write about. I post frequently in other places (like Tumblr and Twitter) because I feel like those places are better suited to short little bits and bobs. This here is an official bloggy-blog, you see. I have it stuck in my mind that everything I post here needs to be longer and more official. I don't know where I got that idea. I think I'm going to try to spend a little more time on thinking up a way to use this space more often. I like that idea.

On that note, I shall tell you about the most annoying thing in my life right now. Seriously. Looking for jobs, amirite? It is the worst thing ever. Some days I will spend hours in front of my computer, searching everywhere I can think of and I come up with nothing. Not a single place to send my resume off to. I find it all so confusing. There is this whole hidden job market that people talk about, but they never tell you where to find it! There just doesn't seem to be a lot out there for a writer with a background in radio who likes to spend much of her time trying to make people laugh. Does a job like that even exist? I bet it does. It's probably just hidden. I should start looking at Where's Waldo books to get practice on finding hidden things. It might help.

Holy crap.

It is November. NOVEMBER, PEOPLE. That's just bananas. Time seems to have been flying right by me. This whole years seems like a bit of a blur. I only worked for three months of it. CRAZINESS, DUDES.

I would really like to start working again. Soon. Like... yesterday. One can only spend so much time taking self-portraits with things stuck to one's face. It starts to get a little boring after awhile. Though fake mustaches? ALWAYS AMUSING.

Also amusing: leftover Halloween candy, attempting to learn new dance moves off of British television shows, playing dress up in your own closet.

BLERG.

I must tell you something. Something that may upset you. Something that may change your opinion about me.

I just watched both live episodes of 30 Rock. I didn't really like them. It was too gimmicky for me. It looked weird, the flow was gone because it was live and it was kinda meh. I liked the Matt Damon and Jon Hamm bits, but other than that... meh.

Did it jump the shark? I don't know how to feel about this.

It's like the tidal changes or whatever.

I suppose it's the natural cycle of relationships. They grow and change as you grow and change. Sometimes it's a little difficult to accept the ways in which your relationships change. But you learn to just roll with it. Maybe this person will start to float away from you for a bit and you'll be a little sad or afraid. But there are some people you just know will always be in your life. So you let them float away a little bit, because you know the tide will eventually start to bring them back. It's just the way it happens.

WHAT.

STEVE MARTIN IS ON TWITTER AND I WANT TO MARRY HIS BRAIN OR WHATEVER

A long, long time ago.

I'm sure I've probably written about this day before. I must have. It's one of those dates that you couldn't erase from your mind if you wanted to. September 11th. Here's a little bit I wrote about it this morning.

It was weird.

I was 20. I was going to school full time during the day and worked full time in the evenings at a government job. I worked for the Canadian government, so I probably didn’t need to be nervous about going to work that day. But I was. We all were. It was weird, watching those news clips over and over again while standing in the lobby of a government building. It was scary.

We all tried to ease our minds by thinking hey, we’re Canadian. No one hates Canada, right? Yeah. Over the next 6 months our building was evacuated and shut down at least 7 times due to bomb threats and anthrax scares. And it was right around this time that I started to become so disappointed with society. With people in general. But I suppose that would have happened with age, anyways.

It was a weird day. It was a weird time, really.

Grrrr?

I am having one of those days where nearly everything makes me mad. GETTIN' MY GRUMP ON, YO. I feel like I should spend the day hanging out with Grandpas. We could complain about rotten kids, the price of apples, that horrible rap music (it is just noise!!!!) and that darn weather.

It would be a good day.

Sure.

There are many things I am unsure about, but there are some things I am completely and absolutely sure about. Like how one day George Clooney is going to fall madly in love with me. Ummm, how is that NOT going to happen?

*winkyface*

All day.

Yesterday I watched the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie goes to the gay prom with Stanford at the end. They slow dance to a song at the end, and I have been singing it out loud ALL DAY.

"If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest parrrrt of me. WooooOOOOOOoooo no, baby please don't go!"

Best. Song. Ever.

Eeeeeeep.

Here I am, in the midst of living my new old life. New because it's different from where I was a month ago. Old because it's exactly where I was 5 years ago. Life is strange.

I just drank a giant beer. Alone. In my parents' house. Where I live. Again. At the age of 29.

Life is so weird.

NOM NOM NOM

I had a mega super craving for a burger and milkshake today, so I decided to treat myself to a take out lunch from White Spot. (What? It's the closest place to my house!) I got the same thing I normally get, which is a combo. Normally, I'd eat the whole darn thing. But today I barely managed to finish the burger before I was totally full. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN????

I think I have inadvertently taught myself about portion control, via having the worst eating habits ever in time. You see, when I get stressed out, I tend to forget to eat. I also tend to develop a nervous stomach. So I average about one meal a day, and when I eat that one meal a day, I don't eat much. Just because I'm not that hungry. But I've been finding that since I've gotten better (meaning SINCE I'VE GOTTEN SOME DAMN SLEEP) when I get hungry, I need to eat way less in order to feel full. I've actually lost about 8 pounds in two weeks because of it. 8 pounds!!

Ummm... high fives for anxiety? Ha!

It is not an easy thing.

It is not an easy thing to finally look at yourself in the mirror and admit it to yourself. I AM NOT OKAY. It is not an easy thing to admit it to your friends and family. I AM NOT OKAY. It is not an easy thing to walk into a little room and sit in front of someone you have never met before and say it. I AM NOT OKAY.

It is really, really hard.

But after you say it to each of these people, yourself, your friends, a doctor, you know that you will be okay. And they will help you get there again.

I'm awake.

Last night I slept more than I have in a long while. I still woke up at 4:30am, but prior to that there was some legit sleeping going on. I laughed so much this morning. I feel like a human again. It's a nice feeling, as I really wasn't looking forward to dining on your brains for dinner so that I could maintain my zombie-like existence.

This is it.

Well, this is it. Soon it will be tomorrow (July 19th). Tomorrow is the last day I will spend as a 28 year old. I must say, I've learned a lot in these 28 years. Especially during the last year.

I've learned that I am not my situation.

I've learned that I'm much more fragile than I thought.

I've learned that I'm so much stronger than I thought.

I've learned that I'm important.

I've learned that I mean something to someone. To lots of someones.

I've learned that friendship is more like family than I ever knew.

I've learned to communicate my needs.

I've learned that I have real talent and I shouldn't hide from it.

I've learned that it's okay for me to be proud of myself.

I've learned that it's okay to cry.

I've learned that I am full of surprises.

I've learned to ask for help when I need it.

I've learned to accept help when it's offered.

I've learned that I'm better than that.

Huh.

Some days I can't quite figure out what to do with myself. I get the feeling there are all sorts of things I am supposed to be doing, but I don't know what they are. Sometimes I keep lists to make sure I remember these things I'm supposed to be doing, but then I forget about the lists. Maybe I need a list of all my lists. Or maybe I just need a new brain? Wheeeeeee!

Moving is a good time.

IF YOU ARE INTO THINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY HORRIBLE.

I'm moving out of my current housing unit at the end of the month. I got off to a good start last week by getting rid of a whole bunch of junk I had stashed away in the storage room. It was incredibly satisfying... until I realized that I still have to go through the rest of the crap in my house too. I have lived in this place for 5 years. That is a long time. Do you know how much junk one can obtain in 5 years? A lot. A lot of junk. A lot of junk that becomes very dusty after just sitting there for who knows how long. Which is super awesome when you have bad allergies like I do. So basically what I'm saying is that I am likely to be sneezing my stupid face off for the rest of the month.

Yeah. You wish you had my life.

OH HAI.

I just had a good long chat with a friend and I feel really good about things right now. (Aside from the fact that I'm sick today. Wah.) After 5 years here, I gave notice on my apartment today. I don't know where I'll be living in August. Everything in my life is so up in the air right now. I might get a job in another city and have to move away. I might get a job here and will finally have an apartment of my own. I might not have a job at all, which would have me temporarily staying with someone. All I know is that it's the start of something. Something crazy. Something good.

It's not just for me, either. So many of my friends are going through big changes right now. Buying houses, selling houses, moving to new places, moving back home, starting new jobs, leaving old jobs, etc. I'm just really excited for everyone. It helps a lot to be going through this transition along with so many others. We're all going to be so scared, but we're all going to be so happy. It's going to be great.

Like magic.

It's a weird thing to not have any idea what you are going to do next. I have no idea where I'm going to work or where I'm going to be living in a month. It's strange, but I'm not really scared. I just have a feeling that it will work out. Like magic.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1am

1am used to mean, "Time to leave the bar."

Now 1am means watching Real Housewives of Orange County and wishing I could sleep.

I haz an old.

Not that I need to explain it.

Here's the deal. When I had a job, I was at my desk all day. Right in front of a computer. For 8 hours. Now that I'm not at a desk all day, I am not always in front of my computer. In fact, most of the time I use my phone. Posting things to this space via phone is not the most convenient thing. So when I am out and about and think of short bits and bobs to share, I don't bother going through the hassle of posting them here. Anything that goes here is usually something a little longer, or something I think of when I happen to be on my computer. Hence why the frequency of posts has dropped off recently.

If you are aware of a decent Blogger iPhone app, please tell me about it. I'd like to give it a try. I just haven't found anything I like using. Okay? Cool.

Also, HOH! New template. It's about time, yo.

Dear Lady Gaga

Dear Lady GaGa,

Huh?

Regards,
Sarah

Hot tip!

Friends. If you decide to use Google Chrome as your new browser, you can apply custom themes to make it look pretty. Themes created by many delightful designers such as Todd Oldham, Anna Sui, D&G, Kate Spade and the one I chose, which is by Jonathan Adler. It's fun! Check it out!

Wife.

It's like I live in 1950 or something. If people asked me, "So, what do you do?" I could tell them, "I'm a housewife."

It's almost like that. You get up in the morning and you have coffee and breakfast and then he leaves. He leaves and you stay there, all alone. What are you going to do today? You've got big plans. Maybe a little exercise. Then you'll get cleaned up. Then you'll so a little laundry and some dishes. Or you could organize the cupboards. And the fridge, well the fridge needs to be cleaned out. You could definitely do that. Then what? I guess you could take a nap. Or maybe watch some television for a bit. Maybe read a book? Eventually you might get to leave the house for some groceries. That will be fun! But you won't go anywhere else. Not by yourself. That would feel strange, being alone in public. People would stare! No way. Just to the grocery store and back. Then you can cook dinner. Then he will come home, and you'll eat, watch more television and go to sleep. Then you'll get up and do the same thing all over again tomorrow. Because you're a housewife.

Yeah, it's almost like that. Except, you know. Without a "him".

Nice.

Yesterday I received an email from one of the guys I used to work with. It had the usual things like "good luck with the job search" and giving me updates on the latest goings on at the office. But there was one line that really made me smile.

"Your unique charm is one that will never be replaced."

It was so sweet. And kind of funny. Because I'm charming. And my charm is unique. It is one of those things that I will probably go back and read again when I am wondering why anyone bothers to talk to me in the first place. A delightful little reminder of who I am. I am me, and that's alright, man. That's alright.

Here's the thing.

It sounds odd, but I really needed a vacation from being unemployed. I went to Toronto for a week and spent time with some people that I just don't get to see very often, because they live so far away from me. It was one of the best vacations I have ever had. There was not a moment of grumpiness from me, even when I was tired and trying to get over the jet lag on 3 hours of sleep. It was end to end amazing. It was good for my brain to be around people, watching them make things and do things and create things and talk about making things.

HOWEVER, now I'm back at home and have to jump back into my life. Head first is the approach I'm taking. Here's the thing: I need a job. But what kind of job? I've come up with a list of things I want to get out of a place that I have to spend 8 hours of my day.

1) I want to create things. I want to be able to have a thing I can look at and say, "I made this".
2) I want a positive environment. I want to be recognized for the good things I do. I also want feedback on the things I don't do so well. I want them to help me get better at what I do.
3) I want to be paid fairly.
4) I want to be excited about what I do.
5) I want to work with other creative people. I feed off the energy of others, and I would love to be back in a creative environment again.

Now that I know this much, I need to figure out what I bring to the table. This is the tricky part. But after my vacation from vacationing, I feel like I'm finally ready to figure this out.

Also, I have learned that the best way to start your morning is to read a hilarious email, drink some coffee, and dance around in your underwear. Then you can start to get shit done. WOOT.

What to do when you have nothing to do.

The first week an a half of unemployment was just straight up MAGICAL. I would wake up every day at my normal time (6:30am) and hear my roommate getting ready for work. There would be a moment of, "Awwww MAN!" and then I would remember. OH YEAH. I DON'T HAVE TO GET UP BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB. WOOOOOOO! Then I'd go back to sleep until whenever-I-goddamn-feel-like-it o'clock. It was great. When I finally did get out of bed, there was a leisurely schedule. Make a latte, (I need to develop some barista skills JUST IN CASE) watch some television, write some things, think about possible activities, read the entire Internet. I kept pretty busy. It was nice. It sort of felt like a vacation.

But then one day, it happened. I got bored. It suddenly dawns on you that pretty much everyone you know is at work, so if you go anywhere, you will be going by yourself. You can't really call anyone because everyone is busy doing work crap. You rapidly run out of ideas to keep yourself busy. You start making lists of possibly career ideas, but that all turns to crap once you notice that you have written "rocket scientist" and "robot butler" three times each. WHAT NOW????

I like to search for cheap airfare for a last minute vacation, because I can actually take last minute vacations with like zero planning. I can't really afford one, but this is not the point. The point is to remind myself of the fact that I could, in theory, flee at any time. I also like to shop for things on the Internet, because I enjoy the thought of receiving a package in the mail. If I order something online today, that gives me at least a full 7 days of waiting for a package. But I never actually order anything, because HELLO? BUDGET.

I suppose after I clean my entire house, organize some stuff, and doing absolutely everything else I can in order to avoid having to sit down and seriously think about my situation, I will eventually have to just suck it up and do it. I will have to rewrite my resume, decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, and start getting serious about looking for work.

But I'll save that for tomorrow. These origami zoo animals aren't going to fold themselves.

Sucks to your assmar.

So I don't *actually* have asthma. Well, I don't think I do. I've never been diagnosed with it, but I have been treated for asthma-related symptoms. It sounds more complicated than it is. ANYWAYS, I don't actually have asthma. This is the point.

However, sometimes I get breathing problems when I exercise. Today I went for a run and it turned out to be a lot colder out than I had thought it was. When I was running it was okay. But now, it has been a few hours and I sort of feel like I have the beginnings of a chest cold. What the heck, man? It was just a little cold air. This always happens, which is why I stopped running in the first place. It's rather annoying. I'm not sick... my lungs just don't like all that cold air, I guess.

LAME.

A story.

Once upon a time, I had a job. A job that I hated. A job that made me miserable. A job that made it hard for me to get out of bed every day. A job that didn't challenge me. A job that held me back from reaching my potential.

One day, I lost that job. It was a great day.

Normally, here is where I would write THE END and leave you with that. But it's not the end. It's just the beginning.

Grumble grumble.

I recently became the proud owner of a Cafe Artigiano gift card. This was a very exciting thing, because I was about to be living without access to my espresso machine. YES this is a big deal. I should go see a surgeon about getting that thing attached to my body. THAT IS HOW MUCH I LOVE IT. Anyway, the first morning I was cat sitting I stopped in for a latte at the location right around the corner from work. When I went to pay for it, I was informed that the gift card reader wasn't working. ARRRRGH. I paid for it with cash, because I needed the coffee. I needed it real bad, yo. It was delicious, so I forgot about the mild annoyance.

The next time I went to use it, the card worked fine. Yippee! Delicious coffee, courtesy of Lydia. This morning, I went to use it again. THE CARD READER WAS DOWN AGAIN. WHAT. THE. HECK. Again, I really needed a coffee, so I paid with cash. STUPID JERK CAFE ARTIGIANO. That's $10 I would not have normally spent on coffee. I think I am going to save the rest of the gift card to try at a different location. I suspect that it works just fine at all the other ones. Blerg.

Sometimes I think about strange things.

I was just sitting here at my desk, wondering what it would be like if I was in Back to the Future Part II. Like what if past me was standing around the corner RIGHT NOW and spying on me. And past me is reading this and is like, "OMG NOOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!" But I don't even know that I'm changing anything because I don't know what happens in the future. But past me knows what happens in the future because past me has also seen the future. Past me is trying to stop me from ruining the future by doing whatever it is I am about to do. But what if it's too late? What if past me can't stop present me from doing the thing I'm not supposed to do? What if this is the thing that I'm not supposed to do????

Crap. Have I just ruined EVERYTHING?

Twitter: The Criterion Collection from sween on Vimeo.

HEY INTERNET! LOOK AT THIS THING THAT MY FRIENDS MADE! IT IS HILARIOUS! My words are in there. Just look for the giant spoonful of dessert and the dance sequence. WORD.

Fix it.

I never go to the doctor. I've never liked going and have been lucky enough to be pretty healthy all my life, so I never really had to. I once went for 9 years without setting foot in a doctor's office. I know, right? Kind of impressive. So you know when something is bothering me enough to need to go to the doctor, it is a big deal.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor. Yesterday I reached a point where I was finally able to admit to myself and to someone else that something wasn't right. I'm not supposed to feel like this all the time. It's not normal. I'm not okay, and it is time to fix it.

Here's hoping we can figure it out.

I'm ready to relax.

My brain is a strange and wonderful place.

My brain is a strange and wonderful place. Yesterday afternoon, for no reason at all, a word popped into my brain and I could not get it out. That word was yurt. Over and over again, I repeated that word. Yurt. Yurt. Yurt. I finally decided that it was the best word ever. I also decided that I would like to stay in a yurt one day. Yurts are awesome.

Today there is a song in my head:

I like to eat, eat, eat ohpples and banonos!

Not sure why, but ohpples and banonos is my favourite one. I like it even more than ooooples and banooonooos.

What was I talking about? Lunch? Nevermind.

VICTORY!!!!!

I did it. I finally did it. I COOKED MYSELF AN ACTUAL MEAL. I USED INGREDIENTS. I USED A RECIPE. THERE WERE MULTIPLE STEPS.

I'm back, baby. I'm back!

The recipe that brought me back to life was this magic spicy peanut sauce from Everybody Likes Sandwiches. It really was magic. I used it in a stir fry with some rice noodles. OM NOM NOM.

Sometimes life is hard.

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes you don't know how do do things. Sometimes you aren't sure how you're going to get out of this jam.

Sometimes you cry about it. Sometimes in the middle of the crying about it, you realize that you are being ridiculous. Sometimes you stop crying and start laughing.

Sometimes you aren't sure if you've said too much. Sometimes you find it hard to stop saying things. Sometimes you have nothing to say.

Sometimes you write crap on the Internet. Sometimes people read it. Sometimes people don't.

Sometimes life is awesome. Sometimes life is hard.

The worst.

Today was just the worst. I was the worst at being funny, the worst at being a grown up, the worst at drawing pictures of hands, the worst at telling you how I feel, the worst at cooking dinner, the worst at being awake, the worst at cleaning, the worst at understanding things, the worst at not being annoying.

Today was just the worst.

Trade secrets.

Most of the things I write here are true. This is not to say that some of the things are lies, because none of them are lies. These strange, weird and wonderful things really do happen to me. However, I am a writer. I understand that sometimes, in order to make something funny into something REALLY FUNNY, I must inject a little bit of fiction into the situation. Which parts are totally true? Which parts are embellished? Is any of it fiction?

I'll never tell. I AM SUCH A MYSTERY.

Baby steps.

First you finish the laundry. Then you put it all away. Then you make your lunch. Then you wash your dishes.

Then you change your life.

Here I am, back at home.

Here I am, back at home. Six days away isn't a long time. Mostly it felt like it wasn't long enough. At one point, surely due to lack of sleep, it felt like way too long. I called the airline because I wanted to go home. They told me it would cost $500. I changed my mind. I'm glad I stayed.

I have never laughed so hard and smiled so much. There were hugs every five minutes. Then they started leaving. I cried. I cried so hard. I don't think I've ever cried when saying goodbye before. Now I'm pretty sure I'm ready to go pro.

Come back, friends. I miss you. I really fucking miss you.

NOMS.

In an effort to slowly get myself back on the "HEY I LOVE EATING" train, I went to Whole Foods yesterday to get some things. I bought a loaf of my favourite pumpkin seed bread and some delicious cheeses to go with it. I was going to make THE BEST GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH EVER IN TIME. I was also going to make a non-grilled cheese and tomato sandwich to take to work today. BUT... last night I ended up with a bunch of leftover sushi, so I brought that for lunch today. I have to wait until I get home tonight before I get to eat my yummy yummy bread. But I want toast NOW.

This is exciting. There's a kind of food I actually want to eat. TOAST IS THE BEST THING EVER.

OKAY, FINE.

I think it is time to admit it. I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. I mean, I have been exercising, which is a pretty big deal for me. But there are so many other areas in which I have totally been failing myself.

I am not eating properly. I used to really enjoy cooking and trying new things. But it seems like lately I've just lost interest in food. I'm not thinking about it as something to be enjoyed. I think of it as something I have to do. Eating has become a chore to me. Something I wish I could survive without doing. Grocery shopping has become a horrible and confusing experience for me. When it comes time to make dinner, I sit in front of the cupboards and stare. I can't ever think of anything I want to eat or anything I want to make. It must have stemmed from being busy and not having the time to cook proper meals, and then just starting to rely on the convenience foods. This is something I hope to change soon. I know I'll start to look and feel better if I start to actually think about what I'm putting in my body again.

I'm also not sleeping well. This probably has a lot to do with the not eating properly (and vice-versa). I suppose there's no time like the start of a new year to start fixing the things you have been doing wrong. Wish me luck, friends. Delicious, delicious luck.